105+ Almond Jokes & Puns: A Nutty Collection

Get ready to crack up, because we’re about to dive into the world of almond humor! That’s right, we’ve got a list of the best almond jokes and puns that are positively nuts! Prepare yourself for a rollercoaster of laughter as we explore the lighter side of this versatile nut. And here’s a fun fact to shell-ebrate: Did you know that it takes about 1.8 gallons of water to grow a single almond? Now that’s something to think about while you’re cracking a smile at these clever puns.

Top Almond Puns & Jokes – Editor’s Picks: Nutty Jokes Inside!

Feeling nutty? Almond you a question!
I went to buy almonds in bulk… It was a nut-shell decision.
What did the nut say to the comedian? Almond you anything!
What happens when you make a squirrel angry? You get al-mond to.
You’re nuts if you think I’m going to share my almonds!
What did the almond say when it graduated? I’m almond my way!
A friend gifted me 100 pounds of almonds… I guess you could say I’m set for life.
My therapist told me to avoid nuts… Guess I’m almond my own.
I tried to make almond milk, but I messed up… Turned out really crumby.
I’m friends with all the almonds… We just get each other.
What did the almond say to the cashew? Can you cashew a favor?
What’s an almond’s favorite genre? Heavy Metal! (Almonds are heavy metals)
My dog loves chasing squirrels and eating their food… I guess you could say he’s almond them.
Just bought a house made out of almonds… Hope I don’t go nuts!
Why did the almond cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Funny Almond Jokes With One Liner Clever Almond Puns at PunnyFunny.com

Funny Almond One-Liner Jokes To Crack You Up

I told my friend almonds are good for your memory. He said, “Oh yeah? I don’t believe it.” I replied, “How about I give you a handful and we’ll see.”
Found an almond growing on a dollar bill today. Guess you could say it was… nut currency.
You know, almonds are technically the seeds of fruits, not nuts. I guess you could say they’re living a double life… undercover seeds.
Met an almond at the beach today. He was looking very tan. Turns out, he was an almond joy.
Why did the almond fail his driving test? He kept cashewing accidents!
My friend said his therapist suggested he talk to his almonds. I guess that’s better than having a one-sided conversation with a wall-nut.
My friend opened a detective agency exclusively for nuts. He calls it “The Almond Inspector.”
Tried to make almond milk this morning, but I must have done something wrong. It just kept staring back at me.
What do you call an almond who’s a really good friend? A loyal-mond.
What’s an almond’s favorite genre of music? Anything but heavy metal. They prefer a mellow-dy.
My friend started a band called “Almond and the Milkduds.” They’re really popular amongst the lactose intolerant crowd.
Just saw a sign that said “Free Range Almonds.” Now I’m picturing a bunch of almonds running around a field.
Why are almonds so good at poker? They always keep a good poker face… ’cause they’re already nuts!
An almond walked into a bar and ordered a drink. As he was paying, he accidentally dropped a bunch of change. He muttered, “Oh, nuts!”
I wanted to organize a conference for all kinds of nuts, but the almonds were being really difficult. They said they wouldn’t participate unless they had their own “break-out” session.
What do you call a sad strawberry? Blue-berry. What do you call a happy almond? Glad-mond.

QnA Jokes & Puns about Almond: Cracking You Up!

Q: Why did the almond refuse to participate in the nutcracker audition? A: He was afraid of cracking under pressure.
Q: What do you call an almond who’s a history buff? A: A nut-stalgia enthusiast.
Q: What did the almond say to the cashew on Valentine’s Day? A: “Let’s get together and make some nut-thing special!”
Q: What’s an almond’s favorite genre of music? A: Anything but heavy metal… they’re strictly into shell-shocking tunes!
Q: Why did the almond cross the road? A: To prove he wasn’t chicken! (Get it? Almonds aren’t poultry…)
Q: What do you call a sad almond? A: Blue-mond.
Q: What did the almond say to cheer up his friend? A: “Don’t worry, everything will be almond-right.”
Q: What do you call an almond that’s also a lawyer? A: A Trial-mond Attorney.
Q: What happens when two almonds fall in love? A: It’s nut-meant to be.
Q: What’s an almond’s favorite board game? A: Chess…because they’re always up for a good nut-cracker!
Q: Why did the almond get sent to his room? A: For bad be-nut-vior!
Q: How do almonds greet each other? A: With a nut-five!
Q: Why are almonds so good at poker? A: They always keep a straight face.
Q: What’s an almond’s favorite Shakespeare play? A: “Much Ado About Nut-thing.”
Q: Why are almonds so strong? A: They work out at the gym-nasium!
Q: Why don’t almonds tell secrets in a cornfield? A: Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans stalk!
Q: What do you call an almond who’s always getting into trouble? A: A bad nut!

Dad Jokes about Almond: Nut Gonna Crack Up at These

Why don’t almonds tell secrets? Because they’re always kept in a tight shell!
What do you call an almond who’s a really good friend? An ALMOND you can always count on!
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey… but then I turned myself a-round. Now, I’m addicted to ALMONDS!
You know, almonds are very strong… They have to be to carry around those heavy shells!
What did the almond say to the cashew? “Can you crack me up?”
An almond walked into a bar… The bartender said, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The almond looked surprised and replied, “What? You have a drink called Steve?”
What did the sad almond say to the happy almond? “You’re nuts!”
What do you get when you cross a vampire and an almond? I don’t know, but it’s sure to be one nutty dracula!
Two almonds were walking down the street. One was assaulted… He was a-salted!
I told my wife she was going nuts putting almonds in everything! She said, “Don’t go there!”
What kind of milk do almonds drink? Why, almond milk of course!
Why are almonds so good at poker? They always keep a good poker face!
My friend told me he was going to start a band called the “Salty Almonds”… They already had a gig lined up at the snack factory.
Why did the almond get sent to the principal’s office? For being nutty in class!
How do trees get on the internet? They log in! And you know what their favorite snack is? Almonds, of course!

Funny Quotes and Captions about Almond You’ll Go Nuts For

I’m nuts about almonds! Well, technically, I’m nuts for almonds.
Just saw an almond at the gym looking buff. Must be working on his six-pack-adamia nuts.
What do you call a sad almond? Blue-mond.
My therapist told me to visualize my anxieties. Turns out, they look a lot like a bag of almonds I was supposed to eat yesterday.
My spirit animal is an almond. I’m a little nutty, but overall pretty sweet.
You know you’ve reached peak adulthood when you get excited about finding a sale on almond milk.
My bank account after buying almond butter: “Almond-t nothing left.”
Relationship status: dating my almond butter spoon.
Caught my dog trying to bury a whole almond in the backyard today. Apparently, he’s planning for his nut-rition in his later years.
Don’t tell anyone, but sometimes I sneak into the bulk foods section just to hold the almonds. They’re so smooth and satisfying.
Almonds are basically nature’s tiny, delicious stress balls. And yes, I do take them to my yoga class.
Some people dream of swimming with dolphins. I dream of swimming in a pool of almond butter.
Just realized I’m wearing three different types of almond products: almond milk latte, almond oil lotion, and an “I <3 Almonds" t-shirt. I might have a problem.
What’s an almond’s favorite genre of music? Anything but heavy metal – they’re strictly into shell-shocking tunes!
If you’re feeling stressed, just remember: You’re strong, you’re beautiful, and you’re one step away from opening another bag of almonds.

Funny Proverbs & Wise Sayings about Almond: A Nutty Collection

A watched pot never boils, but an unguarded almond bowl empties in a flash. (Because everyone loves almonds!)
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him shell an almond. (Some things are just tricky.)
Don’t put all your almonds in one bowl… unless you’re making almond butter. (A little investment advice with a nutty twist.)
A bird in hand is worth two almonds in the bush. (Well, depends on how hungry you are, right?)
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise… to stock up on almonds while they’re cheap. (Because everyone wants in on the almond game.)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an almond a day keeps boredom at bay. (Who can resist a good snack?)
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is a decent almond milk latte. (Some things take time and patience.)
A penny saved is a penny earned, but an almond saved is a missed opportunity for deliciousness. (Life is too short for saving all the good snacks!)
Don’t cry over spilled milk… unless it’s homemade almond milk, then you have every right to be upset. (That stuff takes effort!)
You can’t judge an almond by its shell… or a person’s nuttiness by their laughter. (Embrace the quirks!)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’ll trade you these peanuts for your almonds. (Never miss an opportunity for an upgrade.)
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get… unless it’s a box of assorted nuts, then you’re guaranteed at least one almond. (Gotta love a sure thing.)
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two halves of a chocolate-covered almond make for one perfect bite. (Some things just go together.)
Happiness is a warm blanket… and a big bowl of almonds. What were we talking about? (Priorities, people, priorities.)

Almond Double Entendres Puns: Nut What You Think 😉

“I’m nuts about you,” he whispered, slipping an almond into her hand. “But please, handle this one with care.”
She told him she wanted a man who was rough around the edges. He showed up covered in almond shells.
“Size doesn’t matter,” she reassured him, cracking open the tiny almond. “It’s what you do with it.”
He wasn’t sure if she was coming on to him or just hungry. “Want to share my almond?” she purred.
“I like my men like I like my almonds,” she declared. “Roasted, salted, and with a bit of a crunch.”
They said their love was like an almond: small, sweet, and inevitably ending up in a messy breakup.
“I’m feeling a bit nutty today,” she confessed, eyeing the bowl of almonds. “Maybe I need a good shelling.”
He knew he wasn’t relationship material. He was more of an almond flour kind of guy: versatile but ultimately bland.
“Is it in yet?” she asked impatiently. He struggled to open the jar of almond butter. “Almost,” he grunted.
“You drive me nuts,” she sighed, tossing another almond into her mouth. “But, in a good way, I guess.”
The almond grower was known for his skillful touch and impressive yield. Locals called him “The Nut Whisperer.”
The dating app was designed for nut lovers. It promised to help you find your perfect almond, one shell at a time.
They say almonds are an aphrodisiac. He brought a whole bag to their date, just to be sure.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” she consoled him, offering a handful of almonds. “We all have our little nuts to crack.”
He tried to impress her with his knowledge of almond varieties. “Marcona or Nonpareil?” he asked, raising an eyebrow suggestively.
“Life is like a bowl of almonds,” the old man mused. “You get the sweet with the bitter, and sometimes you bite down on a bad one.”

Funny Almond Tom Swifties: Nutty Utterances

“That nutcracker is broken!” Tom said, crackly.
“These almonds are delicious, especially roasted!” Tom said, roastily.
“I just can’t seem to crack open this almond!” Tom stated, bluntly.
“My favorite part of a chocolate bar is the almond center,” Tom said, nuttily.
“I hid the almonds in the pantry,” Tom said, shelfishly.
“These almonds are making my mouth so dry!” said Tom, thirstily.
“I could eat almonds all day long,” Tom said, hungrily.
“Watch out, that almond milk is past its expiration date!” Tom said, sourly.
“This almond butter is amazing on toast!” Tom said, smoothly.
“Oops, I dropped the almond!” Tom said, de-feetedly.
“These Jordan almonds are so elegant,” Tom said, sweetly.
“Add a few almonds to your trail mix for some extra protein,” Tom advised, healthily.
“I wonder if squirrels realize how lucky they are to have so many almonds,” Tom pondered, squirrelously.
“The price of almonds has really gone up,” Tom remarked, expensively.
“These almonds are unsalted,” Tom said, plainly.
“I think I ate too many almonds,” Tom said, with a heavy heart.

Knock-knock Jokes about Almond (Knock, knock. Who’s there?) That Will Crack You Up

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond you be my Valentine?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond a mistake, can I try that knock again?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond joys to you, my friend!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond the lights, it’s late!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almondern times, people would have laughed already!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond admit, that was pretty nutty!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond you be doing anything fun this weekend?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond-der why the door was left open…
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond you need is love…and some almond butter!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond you feel like letting me in already?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond-st forgot what I was going to say!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond-thing you can do, I can do nuttier!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Almond you believe it’s already Tuesday?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Almond. Almond who? Aww, come on! You’re supposed to say “Almond who?”