100+ Bagel Jokes & Puns: You Knead to Read!

Get ready to laugh your buns off because we’re about to delve into the wonderful world of bagel jokes! That’s right, get ready for the best list of puns and humor, all dedicated to our favorite circular bread. Did you know that the hole in the bagel isn’t just there for cream cheese? It actually helps them bake more evenly! So grab a schmear of your favorite topping and settle in for some seriously clever and positive bagel fun. You butter believe these jokes are going to be great!

Top Bagel Puns & Jokes – Editor’s Picks: Fresh Out the Oven

1. What’s a bagel’s favorite musical genre? Everything but the schmear music.
2. Did you hear about the bagel who became a lawyer? He could really knead a contract.
3. Don’t be a bad egg. Be like a bagel and get bready for anything.
4. Why don’t bagels ever get lost? They always keep a schmear on things.
5. What’s a bagel’s favorite movie? “Lord of the Onion Rings.”
6. What did the disgruntled bagel say to the toaster? “I’m toasted!”
7. A bagel walked into a bar… The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
8. My New Year’s resolution? Bagel out!
9. Why are bagels so wise? They’ve seen a lox.
10. How does a bagel say hello? “Wassup, dough?”
11. Bagels are always getting in trouble. They’re real ring-leaders.
12. Did you hear about the bagel who went to the beach? He got super toasted.
13. What’s a bagel’s love language? Acts of schmear-vice.
14. I told a bagel a secret… Donut tell anyone!
15. What do you call a fake bagel? A faux-ghetti!

Funny Bagel One-Liner Jokes To Get You Rolling With Laughter

1. I tried to explain to my friend why throwing bagels is wrong… but I guess it just went over his head.
2. You know what they call a bagel that’s always getting into trouble? A lox offender.
3. I tried to cut my bagel in half, but I guess you could say I’m a little rusty.
4. Dating a bagel is tough… they’re so flaky.
5. I bought a talking bagel the other day. Turns out, it was just telling me white lies.
6. I wanted to impress my date by making gourmet bagels, but I choked under the pressure.
7. You know, life is a lot like a bagel… it’s always better toasted.
8. That bagel really tied the room together… it really was the perfect schmear.
9. I only eat my bagels one way… against the grain.
10. The bagel shop owner just won the lottery! Guess you could say he’s always kneaded dough.
11. My friend asked if I preferred poppy seed or sesame bagels. I said, “Hey, seed you later to discuss!”
12. Never tell a bagel a secret… they’ll always spill the beans.
13. I just can’t bring myself to eat carbs anymore. Guess I’m on a need-to-knead bagel-free basis.
14. That bagel had a tough exterior, but inside it was a total softie.
15. I saw a bagel driving a car today. I thought “Hey, look! It’s on a roll!”
16. What’s a bagel’s favorite genre of music? Anything with a good beat… and schmear.

QnA Jokes & Puns about Bagel: A Baker’s Dozen of Laughs

1. Q: Why did the bagel go to the bank? A: To get its dough-posit back!
2. Q: What’s a bagel’s favorite type of music? A: Anything with a good schmear!
3. Q: Why are bagels such bad secret agents? A: They always get caught because they’re full of holes!
4. Q: What do you call a bagel that’s always getting into trouble? A: A rye-ot!
5. Q: Why did the bagel break up with the croissant? A: They said they needed some space!
6. Q: What do you call a bagel that can fly? A: A plain ol’ plane bagel!
7. Q: Why don’t bagels like to share? A: They’re always hole-ding onto the last bite!
8. Q: What’s the most indecisive type of bagel? A: A plain bagel! It can never decide what it wants to be.
9. Q: What do you get if you cross a bagel with a dog? A: A bagel that fetches your cream cheese!
10. Q: How did the bagel win the race? A: He ran faster than the loaf!
11. Q: What did the bagel say to the toaster? A: Don’t even try to butter me up!
12. Q: Why did the bagel get a job at the library? A: It was great at sorting all the books by genre!
13. Q: What’s a bagel’s least favorite day of the year? A: Fry-day!
14. Q: Why was the bagel late for the meeting? A: It got stuck in traffic on the rye-way!
15. Q: What did the parent bagel say to the baby bagel? A: You’re so a-dough-rable!
16. Q: What’s a bagel’s favorite kind of book? A: Anything with a good plot twist!
17. Q: Why did the bagel cross the road? A: To prove he wasn’t chicken salad!

Dad Jokes about Bagel: Ready to Get Toast-ed?

1. Why don’t bagels ever get lost? Because they always keep a schmear.
2. You know, I used to hate going to work and making bagels. It was kneadless to say, a real pain in the yeast.
3. Did you hear about the bagel who went bankrupt? It had too many outstanding lox.
4. My wife told me to take the bagel out of the oven when it reaches golden brown. Turns out she meant the color, not the dog!
5. Hey, did you hear about the bagel who joined the circus? It ran away with the cream cheese!
6. What’s a bagel’s favorite kind of music? Anything poppy seed-ish!
7. My kid asked me what my favorite part of the bagel is… I told him, “I love every seed-ingle bite!”
8. I wanted to buy an antique bagel, but the guy at the bakery said it was just a regular bagel from the day before. Guess it wasn’t as old as I yeast-imated.
9. What’s the most confusing day at the bakery? It’s when they can’t tell the dough-nuts from the hole-y bagels.
10. What does a bagel wear when it rains? A rain-coat! Get it? Rain-coat!
11. I tried to explain to my son that bagels don’t grow on trees. He looked at me like I was bready-licious crazy.
12. Why are bagels so nosy? Because they’re always lookin’ at the schmear!
13. You know, being a stand-up comedian is a lot like being a bagel. Most of the time you’re just trying not to get toasted.
14. What happens when two bagels fall in love? They get bready to roll!
15. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something. Especially the ones made of bagels. They’re always bready to crumb.

Funny Quotes and Captions about Bagel That Really Rise to the Occasion

1. “My therapist told me to find something to obsess over besides my problems. So naturally, I chose bagels. Carbs don’t judge, they understand.”
2. “My spirit animal is a bagel. Round, doughy, and always down for a schmear of something delicious.”
3. “I’m on a low-carb diet. Low-carb bagel, that is. Don’t judge my life choices.”
4. “Spreading cream cheese on a bagel is an art form. Don’t come at me with your uneven smears.”
5. “Forget diamonds. I’d rather have a dozen bagels. They last longer and bring more joy.”
6. “I’m convinced there’s a secret bagel society and they’re not giving out membership cards. Still holding out hope though…”
7. “Can we all agree that everything tastes better on a bagel? It’s science.”
8. “Of course I speak fluent sarcasm. It’s the only language they offer at the bagel shop on Sundays.”
9. “Never trust someone who doesn’t like bagels. They’re clearly hiding something.”
10. “My ideal Friday night? PJs, Netflix, and a mountain of bagels. Who needs a social life?”
11. “Just had a bagel so good, I almost proposed. Luckily, it was already toasted.”
12. “My superpower? I can smell a fresh bagel from a mile away. It’s a gift and a curse.”
13. “BRB, gotta go carb-load on some happiness. Also known as: a bagel run.”
14. “Not sure what’s more perfect: the hole in a bagel or the fact that it perfectly fits my hand.”
15. “In a world full of croissants and muffins, be a bagel: bold, unique, and simply irresistible.”

Funny Proverbs & Wise Sayings about Bagel: Topped with Laughter

1. A bagel in hand is worth two in the toaster. (Because who wants to wait for the second one?)
2. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise to pre-order his bagels on a Sunday.
3. Don’t cry over spilled schmear; there’s always more cream cheese.
4. You can’t judge a bagel by its hole. (It’s all about the taste!)
5. The early bird gets the bagel, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
6. A watched pot of water never boils, but an unattended toaster will surely burn your bagel.
7. Give a man a bagel, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to bake bagels, and you’ll never see him again.
8. Life is like a bagel: it’s what you spread on it that counts. (Unless it’s an everything bagel, those speak for themselves.)
9. All that glitters is not gold, but a freshly baked bagel is definitely golden.
10. Don’t put all your bagels in one basket. (Unless it’s a really, REALLY big basket.)
11. A penny saved is a penny earned, but a bagel saved is a midnight snack.
12. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two bagel halves make a whole lot of delicious.
13. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it dip its bagel in your coffee.
14. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the bagel go stale.
15. The proof is in the pudding… unless we’re talking about bagels, then the proof is in the proofing.

Bagel Double Entendres Puns: A Knead-to-Know Guide

1. “I tried to explain to my friend why his bagel business idea wouldn’t work, but he just wouldn’t let go. Guess he’s really got a hole lot riding on this.”
2. “Dating a baker is intense. They say things like, “You’re the everything to my bagel” and you don’t know if it’s sweet or they’re just hungry.”
3. “They say you shouldn’t put all your bagels in one basket. But honestly, with a deal this good, I bought the whole bakery.”
4. “My friend told me his bagel startup was going public. I said “Wow, that’s amazing! What’s its schmear value?”
5. “I saw a sign outside a bakery that said “Bagels: They’re Toast!” I thought, well, that’s a bold marketing strategy.”
6. “I met a baker who was absolutely shredded. Turns out, kneading dough really works out the glutes.”
7. “My grandpa always said, “Life is like a bagel. You have to fill it with something, or it’s just a big hole.” He really knew how to butter me up.”
8. “My roommate and I got into a huge fight about who ate the last bagel. It was pretty heated, even for a New Yorker.”
9. “My therapist told me to picture my problems like a bagel. I said, “Okay, so I should eat them?” She said we needed to work on my coping mechanisms.”
10. “A bagel and a donut walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, ‘We don’t serve food here.’ The bagel is confused, but the donut knew he was toast.”
11. “Heard there was a robbery at the bakery last night. They got away with a poppy seed amount of money.”
12. “They say money talks, but all mine ever says is “goodbye, gotta buy more bagels.”
13. “Broke up with my significant other. They just weren’t on the same wavelength…or the same bagel preference, which is basically the same thing.”
14. “Went to a bagel shop that had a rewards program. Buy 10 bagels, get one free. I guess you could say I’m rolling in dough.”
15. “I wanted to open a bagel shop called “Hole Foods,” but apparently, that name was already taken.”
16. “My dating life is like a plain bagel: pretty dry and no matter how much I try to spice things up, it still feels like something’s missing.”

Funny Bagel Tom Swifties: Puns You Need to See 😉

1. “This bagel is stale!” Tom said crustily.
2. “I only like my bagels toasted,” Tom said darkly.
3. “I’m obsessed with everything bagels,” Tom said seedily.
4. “Watch out, the cream cheese is chunky!” Tom said spreadingly.
5. “This bagel reminds me of you,” Tom said plainly.
6. “I think I dropped my bagel,” Tom said dejectedly.
7. “I prefer sourdough to bagels,” Tom said roundly.
8. “This bagel is perfect for a sandwich,” Tom said slicedly.
9. “Don’t forget to schmear!” Tom said thickly.
10. “These bagels are fresh from the oven,” Tom said warmly.
11. “That bagel was huge!” Tom said expansively.
12. “This bagel cost a fortune!” Tom said hole-y.
13. “I left the bagels out all night,” Tom said stale-y.
14. “My bagel keeps rolling away!” Tom said circularly.
15. “I only like half a bagel at a time,” Tom said halfheartedly.
16. “I can’t choose between a poppy seed or sesame bagel!” Tom said seedily.
17. “Let’s get bagels every Sunday,” Tom said ritually.

Knock-knock Jokes about Bagel (Knock, knock. Who’s there?) That Will Make You LOL

1. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel believe it’s not butter!
2. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel and lox it to ya straight, this breakfast is amazing!
3. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel your pardon, but is that a fresh-baked everything bagel I smell?
4. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel inclined to agree, a toasted bagel is pure comfort food.
5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel to ask, would you like sesame or poppy seeds?
6. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagelful of laughs – that’s what you are!
7. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel-ing you to try this new bagel shop, it’s out of this world!
8. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel-mania is sweeping the nation! Have you had your fix today?
9. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel-lieve in yourself! You can totally eat that whole bagel.
10. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel-n to think we used to eat boring old toast for breakfast!
11. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel-ing out on carbs? Not a chance, these are just too good.
12. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel to basics, nothing beats a good bagel and coffee.
13. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel-icious! This bagel is absolutely perfect.
14. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel-ing to reason with you, can’t we have just one more bite?
15. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bagel. Bagel who? Bagel-ed up! That was a really cheesy bagel pun, wasn’t it?