105+ Beard Jokes & Puns: I Mustache You a Question...

Get ready to laugh your whiskers off, because we’ve got the best beard jokes and puns this side of the Mississippi! This list of clever quips is guaranteed to tickle your funny bone and leave you feeling positively hirsute. Did you know that the average beard grows about six inches per year? That’s a lot of potential for humor! So, trim your sails and set your course for laughter with these hilarious beard jokes!

Top Beard Puns & Jokes – Editor’s Picks: For A-Class Facial Hair Comedy

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of facial hair? A bucc-beard.
Dating a hipster. Feel the beard, fear the beard.
My beard is so trendy …it’s got its own blog.
Don’t trust guys with beards. They’re always up to somethin’.
I used to have a fear of beards… Then I grew one myself.
My beard is so long… I have to tuck it into my belt.
Why don’t they tell secrets in a barbershop? Because the beard-tender!
Never trust a man without a beard, said the woman shaving her legs.
What did the beard say to the face? “I’m beardly hanging on!”
Started growing a beard… It’s about time I faced reality.
Shaving is a bizarre ritual. I mean, you grow hair just to throw it away?
My wife hates my beard… but it’s growing on me.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Facial hair is like a scarf… for your chin.
Where can you find a beard of wheat? On a chin of wheat!
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry!

Funny Beard Jokes With One Liner Clever Beard Puns at PunnyFunny.com

Funny Beard One-Liner Jokes: Short and Snippy

I used to be indecisive about growing a beard, but now I’m not so sure.
My beard is so thick, it has its own zip code.
A hipster walks into a barbershop and asks for the lumberjack special… on half his face.
My beard is like a relationship status: it’s complicated.
You should never trust a man with a bare face, especially if he used to have a beard.
My beard is so long, I have to tuck it into my belt, but I guess you could say that’s just my bear minimum effort.
Life is like a beard, it keeps growing even when you’re totally lost in the direction it’s going.
They say beards retain heat, which explains why I’m always so hot.
Never interrupt a man while he’s shaving…unless you want to see his true “beard thoughts.”
I told my barber I wanted my beard “dangerously handsome,” so he gave me a tiny sword.
My beard is jealous of my hair because it gets all the compliments…and the food.
Having a beard is a full-time job, but luckily, I’m already qualified for the position.
I asked my beard what it wanted to be when it grows up…it said, “a legend.”
My beard is so majestic, birds try to build nests in it every spring. I call them “tweeting rights.”
A well-groomed beard is a sign of a man who has his life together…or at least a comb.
If you ever feel insignificant, just remember, somewhere there’s a beard trimmer wishing it was your beard.
You know you’ve had your beard too long when you start finding Christmas decorations in it in July.

QnA Jokes & Puns about Beard: A Hair-larious Collection

Q: Why did the barber win an award? A: He was outstanding in his field!
Q: What do you call a bear without any teeth AND a beard? A: A gummy bear… duh!
Q: What did the beard say to the face? A: “I’m so glad we can finally meet face-to-face!”
Q: Why did the man shave his beard off on Zoom? A: He wanted to be completely transparent with his coworkers.
Q: How do you communicate with a fish with a beard? A: You use sign language!
Q: My beard is starting a band. What should I call it? A: “The Follicle Four” or “The Whisker Winders”.
Q: Why was the beard feeling insecure? A: It had a little chin-feriority complex!
Q: How did the beard know it was time to get a trim? A: It couldn’t see its own shoes!
Q: Where do hipsters go to get their beards styled? A: The barbershoppiest place in town!
Q: What do you call a messy beard that’s always getting into trouble? A: A real chin-anigan!
Q: My beard told me it wants to be a firefighter when it grows up. How cute is that? A: I hope you told it to shave those dreams!
Q: What do you get if you cross a beard with a flower? A: I don’t know, but it’ll probably smell nice!
Q: What did the beard say to the razor? A: “Hey, we need to talk. It’s not you, it’s me.”
Q: What’s the most important tool in a beard grooming kit? A: A comb-plimentary attitude!
Q: Why don’t they tell secrets in the barbershop? A: Too much loose talk!
Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite type of facial hair? A: A beard that’s been to sea (see)!
Q: Why did the king refuse to shave his beard? A: He wanted to keep his enemies at bay! (bay as in beard, get it?)

Dad Jokes about Beard: The Ultimate Collection

Why did the barber win an award? He was outstanding in his field…ial hair.
I used to have a really short beard… But then it grew on me!
My wife hates my beard… but it’s growing on her. Slowly. Like a vine.
What’s the difference between a bad barber and a good one? A good barber listens to what you want, a bad barber… well, they beard every word.
I saw a guy with a beard made of bees… I was like, “Hey, is that real?!” He said, “Buzz off!”
My son asked me to name the greatest invention in history… I told him, “The wheel is up there, but honestly, my beard trimmer is a close second.”
Someone stole my beard trimmer! The police said they’d comb the area.
I tried to explain to my son that shaving his beard would be a “close shave”… He didn’t laugh, but he also didn’t lose any more teeth.
Why don’t they allow bearded men on the submarine? Because they’re afraid they’d let the side down!
I once met a guy with a beard braided into the shape of a ship. I said, “That’s knot what I expected!”
My beard is so long, it has its own climate. Sometimes, it even rains!
You know you’ve had your beard for too long when birds start leaving you bread crumbs.
My beard is so thick, I have to comb it with a rake. Good thing I keep one in my man-bun!
Why did the hipster burn his mouth on coffee? He drank it before it was cool… and he couldn’t feel it through his beard!
A genie gave me one wish. I wished for a lifetime supply of beard oil. Now my beard is magnificent, but my pantry is overflowing!
My wife told me I needed to trim my beard shorter. I said, “Don’t worry honey, it’s just a phase!”
What did the beard say to the face? “I’m just hanging out.”

Funny Quotes and Captions about Beard: For the Bearded and Beardiful

“Growing a beard is like a DIY project for your face. Except sometimes you nail it, and sometimes you just look like you own power tools.”
“My beard is like a relationship status: It’s complicated.”
“Warning: May spontaneously start whittling wood or crafting artisan furniture.” – Every Beard, Probably
“I don’t trust men who can’t grow beards…too good at keeping secrets.”
“Some guys trim their beard for a special occasion. I consider it a special occasion when I remember to trim my beard.”
“I keep my beard long because I’m a firm believer in the phrase ‘waste not, want not.’ Especially when it comes to crumbs.”
“They say money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy beard oil, which is basically the same thing.”
“Life is too short to have a boring beard.”
“I’m not saying I’m attached to my beard, but I’d be lost without it. Literally, I wouldn’t recognize myself in the mirror.”
“Behind every great beard is a woman wondering what his chin looks like.”
“My beard is like a built-in scarf…and snack catcher.”
“Having a beard is like having a pet you can grow yourself, except you can’t put a sweater on it. Yet.”
“I’m not lazy, I’m just letting my facial hair do the work.”
“Yes, I condition my beard. Don’t judge me, it’s majestic.”
“Evolution of a beard: Scruffy, respectable, distinguished, wizard. I think I’m somewhere between respectable and distinguished, leaning towards wizard.”
“Sure, I could shave, but then I’d just look like everyone else. Boring!”

Funny Proverbs & Wise Sayings about Beard: With a Whiskery Twist

A beard well-groomed is half the battle… the other half is convincing people you don’t live in a forest.
Don’t judge a man by his beard alone… also consider his flannel shirt and craft beer preference.
The early bird gets the worm, but the bearded man gets the admiring glances.
Give a man a razor, and he’ll be clean-shaven for a day. Teach a man to grow a beard, and he’ll achieve peak lumberjack chic.
Behind every great beard is a woman tired of kissing whiskers.
You can lead a man to a razor, but you can’t make him shave his beloved beard.
Where there’s a beard, there’s a way to hide snacks for later.
Good things come to those who beard… and maybe a little beard balm, too.
Don’t cry over spilled milk, it might drip into your magnificent beard.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush… unless you have a beard, in which case you might catch both birds.
Never underestimate the power of a good beard to make a Monday more bearable.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was a truly epic beard.
Be the change you want to see in the world… starting with growing an awesome beard.
The pen is mightier than the sword… unless the sword is accompanied by a truly intimidating beard.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise…and gives him a head start on his beard-grooming routine.

Beard Double Entendres Puns: A Shaving Grace of Wit

“I told him to trim his beard, but he wouldn’t hear of it.” (Hear/Hair – refusing to listen to advice about his beard)
“He tried to dye his beard blonde, but it’s a secret he can’t keep under wraps.” (Keep under wraps – hiding a secret & unable to fully conceal a beard dye job)
“This new beard oil is pretty expensive, but I guess that’s the price you pay for a smooth faceoff.” (Faceoff/Face off – a confrontation & having a smooth face after shaving)
“That barber is a real cut above the rest. He gives amazing beard trims.” (Cut above – better than others & literally trimming the beard)
“He asked if I liked his new beard style. I said, ‘It’s growing on me.'” (Growing on me – starting to like something & a beard literally growing)
“Growing a beard is a lot like a relationship: it takes commitment and you need to be prepared to face the consequences.” (Face the consequences – dealing with the outcome & literally facing with a beard)
“My beard and I are going our separate ways. It’s a clean break.” (Clean break – a decisive separation & a clean-shaven face)
“Those beard grooming tutorials are really long and drawn out, just like my beard used to be.” (Drawn out- excessively long & a long, untrimmed beard)
“He poured his heart and soul into growing that beard. It’s quite the emotional attachment.” (Emotional attachment/Attachment – feeling sentimental & a beard being attached to the face)
“I’m not sure if I should shave or keep growing it. It’s a real hairy situation.” (Hairy situation- a predicament & having a big beard)
“He always takes his beard comb everywhere. Says he can’t bear to be without it.” (Bear/Bare – unable to tolerate & a face without a beard)
“That’s a truly impressive beard. I’ve never seen anything quite like it, chin up!” (Chin up – encouragement & literally pointing at someone’s chin and beard)
“He’s got this whole lumberjack aesthetic going on, beard and all. I guess you could say he’s going back to his roots.” (Going back to his roots – returning to one’s origins & referencing the roots of beard hair)
“She said she preferred men with facial hair. I guess you could say I really grew on her.” (Grew on her – became liked over time & growing a beard for someone)
“He got beard oil all over his new shirt. What a messy situation.” (Messy situation – a chaotic circumstance & having a beard oil stain on a shirt)
“That beard trimmer is really cutting-edge technology. It trims really close.” (Cutting-edge – the latest & referring to the closeness of a beard trim)

Funny Beard Tom Swifties: A Follicle-y Good Time

“My beard is itchy!” Tom said rashly.
“I think I’ll shave just half of it,” Tom said offhandedly.
“I used to have a beard, but I couldn’t grow it anymore,” Tom said facetiously.
“My beard makes me look distinguished,” Tom said with gravitas.
“I need to trim my mustache,” Tom said upper-lip-tically.
“I use this special oil for my beard,” Tom said sleekly.
“My beard is getting too long,” Tom said hair-raisingly.
“I’m going to the barber for a trim,” Tom said shear-ingly.
“I never dye my beard!” Tom said naturally.
“My beard is insured for $1 million,” Tom said handsomely.
“I once had a dream I shaved my beard,” Tom said clean-shavenly.
“My beard is the perfect place to hide snacks,” Tom said crumbily.
“I can’t believe your beard is fake!” Tom said folliclely challenged.
“I use this tiny comb for my beard,” Tom said finely.
“This beard brush is made of boar hair,” Tom said bristly.
“Taking care of a beard is a lot of work,” Tom said groomingly.

Knock-knock Jokes about Beard for a Hair-larious Time

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Beard. Beard who? Beard your pardon, could you repeat that?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and shave, that beard’s getting out of hand!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Razor. Razor who? Razor-sharp wit you got there, making fun of my beard!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Trim. Trim who? Trim your beard, it’s tickling me!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Barber. Barber who? Barbera straight answer, do you like my beard or not?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Shaving. Shaving who? Shaving you a hard time believing this beard is natural!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Facial. Facial who? Facial hair don’t care!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mustache. Mustache who? Mustache you a question… how do you grow a beard so magnificent?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Follicle. Follicle who? Follicle you, I’d grow a beard too!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Scruff. Scruff who? Scruff said this beard wouldn’t look good, they were wrong!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Comb. Comb who? Comb over here and admire this glorious beard!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ginger. Ginger who? Ginger your beard, it might be mine soon!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Grow. Grow Who? Grow a beard, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Food. Food who? Food caught in my beard again, gotta love a snack stash!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Beard. Beard who? Beard-iful day, isn’t it?