110+ Bed Jokes & Puns: You've Gotta Be Kidding Me!

Hold onto your blankets, folks, because you’re about to dive headfirst into the best list of bed puns and jokes this side of the mattress! We’ve got a collection of clever quips and funny anecdotes that are guaranteed to tickle your funny bone and leave you feeling anything but sleepy. Did you know the average person spends about 26 years sleeping in their lifetime? Well, get ready to spend the next few minutes laughing, because these bed-themed puns are guaranteed to make you appreciate the humor in hitting the hay.

Top Bed Puns & Jokes – Editor’s Picks: Guaranteed to Make You Sleep Laugh

Sleep tight! Don’t let the bed bugs bite… because they’re terrible negotiators.
What’s a bed’s favorite music genre? R&BED.
My bed just broke. I guess I lost my support system.
Always get a good night’s sleep. It’s what dreams are made of… and also, you know, basic human function.
Bed-ridden? More like bed-victorious. I’m the champion of relaxation.
What kind of bed does a queen sleep on? A queen-size, duh.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.
Just bought a bunk bed. It’s two tired!
Why did the bed get a promotion? It excelled in its field.
Sleep? I don’t know her. I have a standing appointment with my bed.
I’m moving to a new place. It’s within walking distance from my bed.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
My bed is so comfortable; it’s like sleeping on a cloud. A cloud of my own anxieties, but still.
What did the sheet say as it slipped off the bed? Oh sheet!
What does the Sandman check before he goes to sleep? His sand-bed table.
What crime is a mattress most guilty of? Assault and bed-tery.
I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing in my bed.

Funny Bed Jokes With One Liner Clever Bed Puns at PunnyFunny.com

Funny Bed One-Liner Jokes To Sleep With Laughter

I wanted to buy a camouflage bedspread, but I couldn’t see buying it.
My bed is always grumpy in the morning; it seems to have woken up on the wrong side.
Sleeping is my superpower – I can do it with my eyes closed in bed!
My bed must be a pirate because it’s always covered in sheets!
Just got a job at a mattress factory, it’s a dream come true, but I have to start at the bottom.
My bed is a talented comedian, it always cracks me up!
What does a bed do when it wins an award? It makes a speech.
Life is like a bed of roses, you only get pricked if you don’t choose your spot wisely.
I love my new memory foam mattress, but I wish I could remember where I bought it.
My bed must be a judge because it always tells me to lie down!
My bed is a talented artist; it creates sheet masterpieces every morning!
I bought a waterbed for exercise… water aerobeds!
My bed and I are going on a diet together, we are going to cut back on the sheet-ing.
My bed is like a time machine, I get in it and the next thing I know, it’s tomorrow.
I tried to explain to my bed why it’s important to make it every day, but it just wouldn’t listen; it’s clearly made up its mind.

QnA Jokes & Puns about Bed: Guaranteed to Make You Sleep Laugh

Q: What did the sheet say to the blanket? A: “Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!”
Q: Why did the bed win an award? A: It was outstanding in its field!
Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs… and they always try to sleep on the job!
Q: What’s a bed’s favorite snack? A: A sheet-zza and a pillow-talk pie!
Q: What’s a bed’s favorite genre of music? A: Anything but heavy metal – it gives them nightmares!
Q: What kind of bed does a vampire sleep in? A: A coffin bed!
Q: Did you hear about the race between the bed and the table? A: It ended in a tie!
Q: What did the tired math book do at bedtime? A: It hit the hay and worked on its multiplication problems!
Q: My bed keeps trying to escape at night. What should I do? A: You should really try to sheet-talk it out of going.
Q: How do you make a water bed bouncier? A: Add spring water!
Q: Where do fleas learn to jump so high? A: Flea market… they have amazing bed sales!
Q: I tossed and turned all night… A: Sounds like you had a really rough sleep-over!
Q: What’s a bed’s favorite type of movie? A: Anything with a good plot!
Q: My bed is always grumpy in the morning. A: It probably woke up on the wrong side of the mattress!
Q: What did the insomnia-stricken sheep say to the bed? A: “I can’t sleep a wink, even with all these sheep counting me!”
Q: Where do one-legged pirates sleep? A: A bunk bed!

Dad Jokes about Bed: Prepare to Sleep with Laughter

Why did the bed win an award? Because it was outstanding in its field!
I tried to explain to my bed that we need to see other people. It just wouldn’t hear of it.
My wife asked me to tuck the sheets in tighter. I said, “Sheet, I can do that!”
Why don’t they have beds in Dracula’s castle? He makes up for them in other ways.
What kind of bed does a queen sleep on? A royal-y comfortable one!
I used to have a bed with drawers underneath… But then I realized my clothes were getting dresser every day.
You know you’ve been in bed too long when… You start to get board.
My friend asked why I was bringing a tape measure to bed. I told him I wanted to see how much I shrink in my sleep.
What’s a bed’s favorite snack? A pillow-va!
I saw a sign that said “Waterbeds for Sale – Going Cheap!” Sounded a bit fishy to me.
I told my wife our mattress is getting old and lumpy. She said, “Give it time, it’ll turn into a vintage antique!”
What’s a ghost’s favorite type of bed? A sheet set!
Why did the bed bug get fired from the mattress factory? He kept taking naps on the job!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
You can’t trust atoms… They make up everything, even your bed!

Funny Quotes and Captions about Bed That’ll Make You Sleep Laugh

“My bed is like a magical time machine – I get in and BAM! It’s 8 am.”
“Sleeping is my superpower. My bed is basically my Fortress of Slumber.”
“I’m not saying I love sleeping more than I love people, but I have definitely climbed over people to get to my bed.”
“Relationship Status: In a committed relationship with my bed. We just get each other.”
“Sure, I have a to-do list a mile long. But my bed has comfy pillows. You do the math.”
“I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination whenever I crawl into bed.”
“Always thought ‘Netflix & Chill’ was missing something…ah yes! A BED!”
“Bed: Where the worries of the day go to die…or at least get really, really quiet until morning.”
“I don’t need therapy, I just need a bigger bed. For all my problems, obviously.”
“My bed is my happy place. No, you can’t come in.”
“You know you’re an adult when staying in bed all day is a luxury, not a lifestyle choice.” (Okay, sometimes it’s still a lifestyle choice…)
“Bedding: It’s like an outfit for your bed, but way more comfortable because you don’t have to wear pants.”
“I put the ‘sheet’ in ‘achieving my dreams’…mostly by sleeping in.”
“My ideal Friday night involves pajamas, snacks, and a heated debate with my partner on who gets more of the bed.”
“Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Good thing I flipped the mattress last week.”
“Some days you’re the duvet, some days you’re the crumbs. Today, I’m feeling like the crumbs.”
“Always stretching before a workout. Mostly just reaching for the snooze button from my bed though.”

Funny Proverbs & Wise Sayings about Bed (And Getting Out of Them!)

Early to bed and early to rise makes a person miss all the good Netflix series.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it sleep on your side of the bed.
The early bird gets the worm, but the person who stays in bed gets to dream about bacon.
Don’t cry over spilled milk; it’s hard to get stains out of bed sheets anyway.
A watched pot never boils, and a clean bedroom never stays that way once you bring snacks to bed.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge in a well-lit room.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a warm bed keeps everyone away.
You made your bed, now lie in it… and scroll through your phone for an hour.
The grass is always greener on the other side… unless they haven’t changed their bedsheets.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two pillows make a very comfortable bed.
A penny saved is a penny earned, but a good night’s sleep is priceless… and often interrupted by your snoring partner.
Birds of a feather flock together, just like all the socks that mysteriously disappear in your bed.
Better late than never, especially when it comes to crawling into a warm bed on a cold night.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is a really good pillow fort.
Good things come to those who wait… in bed, patiently for their online food delivery.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Spread them out… on your bed, so you can dive in like a fluffy omelette.

Bed Double Entendres Puns: Sleep Tight and Giggle On

“I’m not saying I’m lazy, but I joined a sleep study just to get a raise in bed.” (Raise as in a higher bed frame vs. a salary increase)
“They told me I could make a career out of my sleep habits. Turns out, professional bed wetter wasn’t what they had in mind.” (Bed wetter in the literal sense vs. a successful person who spends a lot of time in bed)
“My partner’s idea of foreplay is tucking me in and saying ‘Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite…alone.'” (Playful reference to anticipation vs. literal bed bugs)
“I told my date I had a king-size bed. Turns out, I just had a queen-size ego.” (Boasting about bed size vs. overestimating one’s attractiveness)
“I tried to explain to my dog that my bed isn’t a shared workspace, but he just gave me that ‘ruff’ draft of a judgmental look.” (Collaborative work environment vs. the dog sleeping on the bed)
“My bed is a magical place – I go in single and come out double-chinned.” (Relationship status vs. snacking in bed)
“I’m not saying my bed is messy, but I just found a fossil from my last relationship.” (Untidy bed vs. long-gone ex)
“I’m such a hot sleeper, I need a California King bed just to fit my temperature tantrums.” (Body heat while sleeping vs. being demanding about temperature)
“I’m not sure what’s firmer, my mattress or my stance on not getting out of bed.” (Mattress firmness vs. dedication to staying in bed)
“My therapist told me to make my bed every morning to improve my mental state. Now I just lie on a neatly folded pile of anxieties.” (Making the bed for a sense of order vs. anxieties persisting)
“My love life is like a futon – constantly being folded into something I don’t recognize.” (Sleeping arrangements vs. confusing relationships)
“I wasn’t sure what ‘Netflix and chill’ meant, so I just put a streaming device in my fridge. I might be in the wrong bed.” (Misunderstanding a suggestive phrase vs. misinterpreting the location for relaxation)
“I’m a big believer in morning rituals. Mine involves hitting the snooze button until I achieve REM sleep.” (Morning routine vs. prioritizing sleep over getting up)
“My sleep number is apparently seventeen… pillows. It’s a good thing I’m single.” (Optimal mattress firmness vs. taking up a lot of space in bed)
“I finally joined the Mile High Club… unfortunately, it was in the cargo hold of a plane full of IKEA beds.” (Joining the club by being intimate on a plane vs. literally being among beds on a plane)
“Bought new sheets online. The reviews said they were ‘life-changing,’ but I woke up in the same bed, with the same problems.” (Exaggerated product descriptions vs. reality of daily life)
“My bed is like a tropical island – surrounded by water. Except the water is drool, and the island is my pillow fort.” (Pristine getaway vs. messy sleep habits)

Funny Bed Tom Swifties: Sleep-Deprived and Side-Splitting

“This mattress is way too firm,” Tom stated hardly.
“I think I need a bigger bed,” Tom said spread out.
“Sorry, you can’t sleep here tonight,” Tom said guestingly.
“My dreams always get so wild,” Tom remarked restlessly.
“I can’t believe I overslept again,” Tom said alarmingly.
“This bed frame is surprisingly sturdy,” Tom stated firmly.
“I just love the feeling of clean sheets,” Tom declared freshly.
“I think I’ll add some more pillows,” Tom suggested cushioningly.
“My old bed used to squeak so loudly,” Tom recalled noisily.
“It’s time to put this Murphy bed away,” Tom said wallingly.
“Be careful not to jump on the bed,” Tom warned springingly.
“My duvet always seems to end up on the floor,” Tom sighed downheartedly.
“Let’s watch a movie in bed,” Tom suggested horizontally.
“I think I’ll get a waterbed,” Tom decided fluidly.
“I can’t seem to find the remote,” Tom searched remotely.
“Good night, everyone!” Tom said sleepily.

Knock-Knock Jokes about Bed for Better Sleep and Laughter

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bed. Bed who? Bed you didn’t see that coming!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bed. Bed who? Bedder get some rest, you’re looking a little sleepy!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good place to get some sleep like a bed!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Sheets. Sheets who? Sheets getting late, I’m going to bed!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Matt. Matt who? Matt-ress is calling my name!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and get in bed, it’s late!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ken. Ken who? Ken you believe how comfy my new bed is?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Don. Don who? Don’t make me come over there and drag you to bed!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the suitcase, you load the car, we’re going to Bed Bath & Beyond!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Robin. Robin who? Robin you of sleep with all this knocking!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Annie. Annie who? Annie body home? It’s too early to still be in bed!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time to change the sheets on this bed!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like to trade places with me? This bed is so comfy!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alaska. Alaska who? Alaska later, I’m going to bed!