100+ Heart Jokes & Puns: You'll ❤️ These!

Are you ready for a list of jokes that will make your heart skip a beat (in a good way, we promise)? Get ready to laugh along with the best heart puns and humor this side of the aorta. We’ve got a truly clever collection of funny heart jokes that are sure to keep your pulse racing. Did you know, your heart beats around 100,000 times a day? Well, get ready to add a few more laughs to those beats with this positive and hilarious list!

Top Heart Puns & Jokes – Editor’s Picks: For A Healthy Dose of Laughter

What did the cardiologist say to the broken heart? “My aorta see more patients!”
My heart said to my stomach, “Hey, wanna be friends with ventricles?”
Just had my annual checkup. Turns out my heart’s in it for the long haul.
Why did the heart break up with the aorta? Lack of connection.
Feeling a bit stressed. Think I need a cardio-ffée break.
My heart’s biggest weakness? Ventricles of opportunity.
Found a great cardiologist today. He’s so easy to talk mitral-to-mitral with.
Heard a rumor about a healthy heart. Apparently, it’s got good pulse-itics.
You can’t rush a heart transplant. It’s an organ-ized process.
My heart only falls in love with cardiothoracic surgeons. It’s a real a-systole problem.
Life is like an EKG: full of ups and downs but ultimately rhythmic.
Be still my beating… coffee machine!
You stole my heart, so now I have to charge you with ventricle larceny.
Relationship status: Waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet… and straight into cardiac rehab.
Just donated to the cardiovascular research foundation. They’re doing amazing aorta-inspiring work!
What do you call a heart surgeon with bad handwriting? Illegible!
I used to be a heart surgeon, but it got too stressful. Now I’m a comedian. The pay is lower, but at least it’s a laugh a minute!

Funny Heart Jokes With One Liner Clever Heart Puns at PunnyFunny.com

Funny Heart One-Liner Jokes: For a Healthy Dose of Laughter

My cardiologist said I need to watch my heart… so I subscribed to its OnlyFans.
I tried writing a song about an irregular heartbeat… It just didn’t have the right rhythm.
Heard a rumor that my heart secretly controls my emotions… guess it’s true what they say, follow your heart!
You can’t spell “heart” without “art”… because a masterpiece beats inside each of us.
My doctor told me to take my heart medication religiously… Guess I’ll have to start praying at the altar of aspirin.
My love for you is like a heart attack – sudden, unexpected, and probably going to leave a lasting impact.
A broken heart is like a bad haircut – it takes a while to heal and you keep trying to convince yourself it looks fine.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it fall in love. You can, however, show them where the hay is… that’s how my heart works, anyway.
Someone stole my heart-healthy diet plan… I guess you could say my efforts were half-hearted.
Dating a cardiologist is great… They can literally tell you how your heart feels about them.
I’m writing a book about the circulatory system… It’s really coming along!
My heart said “let’s go on an adventure”… My bank account whispered back, “we are the adventure.”
I told my doctor I wanted to be immortal. He said, “Start by taking care of your heart.” Apparently, it’s the key to everlasting life… or at least a longer one.
Love is like a Rubik’s Cube… It’s complicated, colorful, and if you don’t handle it carefully, you’ll end up with a mess close to your heart.
I got my heart rate up to 120 bpm just by thinking about you… Or maybe it was that espresso shot. Either way, you make my blood pump!
Don’t let anyone tell you your heart is too big… It just has extra room for all the love you give!

QnA Jokes & Puns about Heart: Get to the core of the humor

Q: Why did the cardiologist break up with the pulmonologist? A: They had too many differences of heart and lung.
Q: How do you know if a cardiologist is having a bad day at work? A: They have a heavy heart.
Q: What do you get if you cross a heart surgeon with a gardener? A: A bypass graft!
Q: Why was the anatomy professor so emotional? A: He wore his heart on his sleeve…literally, he was explaining the circulatory system.
Q: What’s a heart surgeon’s favorite type of music? A: Anything with a good beat!
Q: What do you call a Valentine’s Day card from a cardiologist? A: A heartfelt message.
Q: Why did the heart go to art school? A: It wanted to learn how to draw blood!
Q: What did the heart say to the brain? A: “Hey, you think you’re so smart, but I’m the one who keeps us alive!”
Q: What do you call a broken heart that’s been repaired? A: A change of heart!
Q: Why don’t they teach anatomy in high school anymore? A: Too much pressure on the students to have the heart!
Q: Why is it so hard to donate a heart? A: It’s a big commitment!
Q: What did the doctor say to the patient with a broken heart? A: “Don’t worry, I’ll give you a bypass.”
Q: What’s the most romantic blood type? A: B positive!
Q: Why is the heart always optimistic? A: It’s always pumping positive vibes.
Q: Why was the heart arrested? A: It got caught pumping and running at the same time!
Q: What did the heart say to the stomach after Valentine’s Day? A: “You’re looking a little full of yourself. Did you eat all the chocolates again?”
Q: What’s a cardiologist’s favorite Shakespearean play? A: “Much Ado About Nothing” (referring to a false positive heart monitor alarm).

Dad Jokes about Heart: Guaranteed to Make You Artery-tate

I used to be a cardiologist, but I quit. It was too much pressure dealing with broken hearts all day.
What do you call a heart surgeon who loves their job? A happy transplanter!
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So I took it to the movies. Now she’s asking about my heart. Apparently, that’s a bad place to drop someone off.
I told my doctor my heart beats like a drum. He said, “That’s normal.” I said, “Even when I’m in the library?”
What do you get when you cross a heart and a potato? A heart attack… because they’re both bad for cholesterol!
What do you call an alligator who’s a heart surgeon? A scales-pelled professional!
I tried to donate blood, but they turned me away. They said they don’t accept hearts of gold.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones, they have 206 of those!
Why did the heart skip a beat? It was feeling jumpy!
You know, I’m not sure what’s wrong with my car, but I think it has a broken heart. Every time I drive it, it just seems to skip a beat.
My wife said she wanted to see the world. I told her to just look at a globe like everyone else, but apparently, I “don’t understand her heart”.
My son gave me a heart-shaped rock for Valentine’s Day. It’s sweet, but I wish he’d put a little more thought into it.
You know you’re getting old when “getting lucky” means the doctor finds your heart with the stethoscope on the first try.
What’s the most romantic organ? The heart, of aorta know!
I finally decided to follow my heart. Now I need a map.
What kind of music do cardiologists listen to? Anything with a good beat!

Funny Quotes and Captions about Heart to Get a Chuckle Out Of You

My heart said “Go on vacation!” My bank account whispered, “Are you sure you even HAVE a heart?” 💔💰
I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s less messy than carrying it around in my hands. 🧥❤️
My heart skips a beat every time you smile… probably just a potassium deficiency, but let’s blame it on you, you’re cuter. 😉💓
I’m not heartless, I just have a highly-selective entry system. Think airport security, but for feelings. ✈️🔒💔
I got a clean bill of health from my doctor, so naturally, I ate a donut to celebrate. You gotta keep your heart guessing! 🍩❤️😂
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. If that’s true, I think mine took a wrong turn and ended up in Narnia. 🗺️🍕
Relationship status: Talking to my plants again. They never break my heart, and they appreciate the extra CO2. 🌱💔🗣️
You can’t spell “heart” without “eat.” Coincidence? I think not. Pass the pizza! 🍕❤️
My brain: “Think logically!” My heart: “Hold my beer and watch this.” 🧠🍺❤️
I’m not saying I’m lazy, but my heart only beats for cardio when I see the dessert menu. 🍰❤️🏃‍♀️
“Follow your heart,” they said. Mine keeps leading me to the fridge. Maybe I need a new map? 🧭🚶‍♀️冷蔵庫
Don’t worry, be happy! Unless, of course, happiness makes your heart rate go up, then maybe just… exist calmly. 😌🧘❤️
Life is like a box of chocolates. My heart wants them all, but my jeans are staging an intervention. 🍫👖😭
Sure, you can tell me to “be strong.” But did you know that the human heart generates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet? Strength is my specialty. 💪🩸❤️
Roses are red, violets are blue, my heart rate increases exponentially when I’m around you. (Is that weird? Too much?) 🌹💙😳❤️
I’m a simple person. All I ask for is world peace, an endless supply of tacos, and a heart that doesn’t palpitate every time my phone vibrates. 🌮🌎❤️📱
You stole a pizza my heart! And the last slice of pepperoni! (Forgive me, I’m still working on my romantic approach.) 🍕❤️😅

Funny Proverbs & Wise Sayings about Heart: With a Cardiac Twist

A heart in love is like a phone on vibrate – it ignores all the red flags.
Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, it clashes with most outfits.
Follow your heart, but bring a map—it’s easily distracted.
A broken heart is like a bad haircut, it takes time to grow out.
You can’t mend a broken heart with duct tape, but a pint of ice cream and a good rom-com help.
Too many cooks spoil the broth, and too many exes haunt the heart.
Listen to your heart, unless it’s craving pizza at 3 am.
A heart is like a fine wine, it gets bitter if you keep corking it up.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener, especially for the heart.
A happy heart is a healthy heart, but a heart with a sense of humor lives longest.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t tell your heart who to love.
Don’t let your heart skip a beat, it might miss the chance to do the conga.
A stitch in time saves nine, but a heartfelt apology saves relationships.
A penny saved is a penny earned, but a heart shared is a life enriched.
Don’t judge a heart by its beat, but by the rhythm it dances to.
Life is like a box of chocolates, and your heart deserves the whole darn box.

Heart Double Entendres Puns: Guaranteed to Make You Tick!

“I tried to learn about heart anatomy, but it was just too ventricle.” (Ventricles are chambers in the heart, but the pun implies the information was too overwhelming or difficult)
“My doctor told me my heart is in excellent shape. Must be all those Valentine’s Days I’ve aced!” (Refers to being in good physical health and being successful in love)
“My cardiologist is such a heartthrob. Too bad he only has eyes for my aorta.” (Heartthrob refers to an attractive person, while the aorta is a major artery connected to the heart)
“This Valentine’s Day, I’m giving my heart…shaped box of chocolates to myself. No broken heart for this guy!” (Plays on giving your heart romantically and avoiding heartbreak)
“My love life is like open-heart surgery: messy, complicated, and there’s a high chance of scarring.” (Compares the emotional turmoil of love to a complex medical procedure)
“You can’t spell enlargement without ‘LARGE’! My heart must be full of love…for pizza.” (Connects an enlarged heart to a love of food instead of love for a person)
“I wear my heart on my sleeve…which is problematic when it comes to washing bloodstains.” (Refers to openly showing emotions while alluding to the literal heart’s function)
“Dating a cardiologist is great. Free check-ups, but they take ‘listen to your heart’ to a whole new level.” (Implies both romantic advice and literal heart examinations)
“My ideal Valentine’s Day? No forced romance, just me, my blood pressure medication, and the steady beat of my own heart.” (Humorously embraces solitude and health over traditional romance)
“I wanted to write you a poem about my heart, but Iambic pentameter just doesn’t flow like blood through my veins.” (Connects poetry structure to the circulatory system for comedic effect)
“The relationship was clearly failing. We tried couple’s therapy, but in the end, there was just too much bypass surgery needed on both sides.” (Compares repairing a relationship to cardiovascular procedures)
“I left my heart in San Francisco…well, technically, it never left my chest cavity, but that’s less romantic, isn’t it?” (Plays on the cliché of leaving one’s heart somewhere while referencing biological reality)
“My doctor said I needed to reduce the stress in my life for my heart’s sake. Guess it’s time to finally quit that job designing greeting cards for Hallmark.” (Sarcastically links the pressure of the card industry to the stress on one’s heart)

Funny Heart Tom Swifties With Aortic Precision

“My heart skips a beat every time I see you,” Tom said arrhythmically.
“I need to brush up on my cardiac anatomy,” Tom said vehemently.
“This Valentine’s Day, I’m giving her a heart-shaped box of chocolates,” Tom said candidly.
“My cardiologist said I need to reduce my cholesterol,” Tom said regretfully.
“Donating to the heart foundation is vital,” Tom said charitably.
“I think I left the aortic valve open,” the surgeon said absentmindedly.
“I can feel my pulse in my chest,” Tom said strikingly.
“This stress test is really getting my blood pumping,” Tom said actively.
“My blood type is B positive,” Tom said optimistically.
“I can hear your heartbeat through a stethoscope,” Tom said auscultatorily.
“My heart feels heavy with sadness,” Tom said grievously.
“I think I’m having a heart attack!” Tom said alarmingly.
“I just watched a documentary about heart transplants,” Tom said movingly.
“My heart tattoo symbolizes my love for you,” Tom said devotedly.
“I need to get this pacemaker installed ASAP,” Tom said urgently.
“Cardio is my least favorite form of exercise,” Tom said halfheartedly.
“I just can’t seem to mend this broken heart,” Tom said sorrowfully.

Knock-Knock Jokes about Heart to Get Your Pulse Racing

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up, I heart you!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you with all my heart!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any good cardiologists around here?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like to be my Valentine?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anita. Anita who? Anita hear your heart beat for me!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Barb. Barb who? Barb wire is less painful than heartbreak!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for a heart-to-heart talk!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wendy. Wendy who? Wendy you realize you stole my heart?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Carmen. Carmen who? Carmen let me love you with all my heart!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal-sly, your smile makes my heart skip a beat!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Don. Don who? Don’t go breaking my heart!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee who? Norma-lly, I don’t get this emotional, but you’ve stolen my heart!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Aorta. Aorta who? Aorta tell you, you’re the beat to my heart!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and open the door, someone special is about to steal your heart!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car, we’re driving until we find your missing heart!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Kenya. Kenya who? Kenya believe this feeling? I think I’m in love!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hugh. Hugh who? Hugh got to be kidding! My heart can’t take this much excitement!