100+ Stab Jokes & Puns: You’ll Feel the Point!

Get ready to laugh your guts out (figuratively, of course!) with the best list of stab jokes and puns this side of the humor highway! We’ve got a killer collection of clever and positive jokes that are anything but stabbing criticisms. Did you know the fear of sharp objects is called aichmophobia? Well, we promise these jokes are so funny, they’ll cure even that! So buckle up, buttercup, because we’re about to dive into a world of wordplay so sharp, it’ll leave you in stitches.

Top Stab Puns & Jokes – Editor’s Picks: Sharp Humor Alert

1. What do you call a knife that’s really good at its job? A stabbing machine!
2. I’m writing a play about a stabbing. It’s a real page-turner!
3. He took a stab at baking a cake. It was a piece of work.
4. She was arrested for stabbing someone with an icicle. It was a cold-blooded crime.
5. What did the knife say to the back? I’ve got my eye on you!
6. Never bring a knife to a gunfight…unless you’re really bad at throwing it.
7. That backstabbing gossip really twisted the knife.
8. That history test on the Roman Empire was brutal. I felt stabbed in the back by Caesar himself.
9. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A stake-berry!
10. Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? They say he’s a small medium at large.
11. I wouldn’t trust that dull knife as far as I could throw it… which isn’t very far, to be honest.
12. The fencing instructor had a great sense of humor. He loved giving everyone the point.
13. That play was so boring, I felt like I aged a thousand years just watching it. Talk about a stab at entertainment!
14. He took one look at the recipe and decided to wing it. Let’s just say, his cake was a culinary crime.
15. I used to be addicted to soap operas, but I finally kicked the habit. It was getting too dramatic.

Funny Stab One-Liner Jokes That Will Have You In Stitches

1. I saw a play about stabbing the other night. It was pretty edgy.
2. Never bring a knife to a gunfight…unless you’re really good at stabbing from a distance.
3. My friend tried to make a salad with a knife. I guess you could say he took a stab at it.
4. I’m writing a horror movie about a haunted knife…it’s called “Stabby” McStabface.
5. What do you call a knight who’s afraid of stabbing? Sir Render.
6. I walked into the kitchen and saw my roommate trying to make a sculpture out of butter with a steak knife… I told him to quit playing with his food and find a more stable medium.
7. You know, I used to be terrified of stabbing. Then it just clicked.
8. What’s a cannibal’s favorite type of music? Anything with a good beat you can stab to.
9. My friend tried to make spaghetti with a knife. He was just stabbing in the dark.
10. I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of stabbing, but I definitely wouldn’t want to get caught in the middle of it.
11. I saw a fencing demonstration today. It was point-and-stab-ulous!
12. Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? They say he’s a small medium at large.
13. My friend told me he was going to start exercising and eating healthy…I said, “Hey, don’t stab me in the back!”

QnA Jokes & Puns about Stab: Prepare to chuckle and groan

1. Q: What do you call a knife that’s really bad at stabbing? A: A butter knife!
2. Q: Why don’t mimes ever get arrested for stabbing? A: They’re always acting silently!
3. Q: What did the overprotective sewing needle say to the fabric? A: “Don’t worry, I’ll take the stab for you!”
4. Q: Why did the ghost get caught stabbing the curtains? A: He couldn’t see through his sheet alibi!
5. Q: What do you call a clumsy bullfighter? A: A stabbing hazard!
6. Q: How do you make a salad dressing dangerous? A: Add a dash of… stabasco sauce!
7. Q: What’s a bee’s least favorite food? A: Anything it has to stab with its stinger-bread!
8. Q: Why don’t vampires stab each other in the back? A: It’s a real pain in the neck!
9. Q: What do you call a group of porcupines playing music? A: A stabbing orchestra!
10. Q: Why did the clock get in trouble for stabbing the calendar? A: It was trying to make time!
11. Q: How do you know a cactus is having a bad day? A: It gives everyone the stabby glare.
12. Q: What’s a chef’s favorite way to stab a potato? A: With a fork, silly! Anything else would be culinary chaos.
13. Q: What happened to the guy who stole a bunch of acupuncture needles? A: He got arrested and charged with a whole lot of stabbings!
14. Q: Why is it so hard to trust cacti? A: They’re always looking for someone to take a stab at!
15. Q: What did the motivational speaker say at the knife-throwing competition? A: “You miss 100% of the stabs you don’t take!”

Dad Jokes about Stab: Prepare to Get Punny

1. I tried to make a salad with only stabbing weapons… Turns out it was a missed-steak!
2. What did the knife say to the backstabber? I thought we had something special!
3. A villain just stabbed me with a baguette… I guess you could say I’m feeling crusty.
4. My friend tried to make a sculpture by stabbing clay. He couldn’t quite get the hang of it. Turns out he’s all thumbs.
5. What’s a vampire’s least favorite craft? Stabbing at pottery – they’re all thumbs.
6. If you see a crime involving a stabbing, should you take notes? Only if you’ve got the stomach for it.
7. Why don’t they allow stabbing in pirate bars? Someone always ends up getting skewered!
8. My son asked me what my favorite Renaissance weapon is. I told him, “Son, I’m all about that rapier wit.”
9. Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Unless you’re really good at stabbing!
10. I used to be a chef, but I got fired for stabbing my assistant. Apparently, too much salt is “assault,” and assault is illegal. Who knew?
11. I saw a guy get stabbed with a tuning fork today. What a horrible pitch!
12. My wife got mad at me for using a knife and fork on my pizza. Apparently, I should have “taken a stab” at it.

Funny Quotes and Captions about Stab Wounds

1. “I tried to explain to my friend that ‘stabbing’ someone on Facebook isn’t real violence… he didn’t get it.”
2. “Just got stabbed with a look…turns out it was my reflection. I need to eat.”
3. “My attempt at making a fruit salad was a stab in the dark… literally. I tripped and sent a pineapple flying.”
4. “My love life is like a game of Clue… I keep getting stabbed in the back in the library.”
5. “Relationship status: Stabbed in the back with a metaphorical knife made of unanswered text messages.”
6. “I’m not saying my diet is boring, but I’d kill for a little stab of flavor right now…”
7. “Me, trying to navigate adulting: gets stabbed by bills, responsibilities, and the crushing weight of expectations.”
8. “Just got stabbed by the sheer audacity of this parking ticket.”
9. “My culinary skills? Let’s just say I take ‘stabbing’ at a recipe very literally.”
10. “I’m not saying my family reunion was dramatic, but you could cut the tension with a… well, you probably shouldn’t stab anyone. But you get the idea.”
11. “Friendship is like a good back scratcher: It always has your back, unless you try to stab it.”
12. “Tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt…turns out it was a trapdoor. Now I’m falling, metaphorically stabbed by disappointment.”
13. “My therapist told me to face my fears… so I glared at my reflection and whispered, “You wouldn’t stab a friend, would you?”
14. “Life is too short to be anything but kind… unless someone eats the last cookie. Then, all bets are off. Just kidding… mostly.” (Again, please don’t stab anyone.)

Funny Proverbs & Wise Sayings about Stab: A Pointless Collection

1. A backstabber’s favorite game? Two Truths and a Lie…f.
2. Don’t cry over spilled milk. Unless someone stabbed the cow. Then, call the cops.
3. A friend in need is a friend indeed…unless they need a getaway driver. Then, rethink your friendship.
4. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and less likely to be stabbed in a dark alley.
5. Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to stab…and you’ll probably end up in jail.
6. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Where there’s a stabbing, there’s probably a dramatic backstory.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword, especially if the sword is being used to stab the pen, which is just rude.
8. You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a knife by how many times it’s been used to stab things.
9. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A strategically placed apple could keep a whole army of stabbers away. Maybe.
10. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it definitely wasn’t built by people constantly stabbing each other in the back.
11. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch…or before someone decides to stab them. This is why we have secure coops.
12. What goes around comes around, especially if you’re throwing knives around a room. Seriously, don’t do that.
13. The early bird gets the worm, but the bird with the sharpest beak gets to stab the worm first. It’s a tough world out there.
14. Two wrongs don’t make a right, especially if both wrongs involve stabbing. That just makes you the stabbiest wrongdoer around.
15. Silence is golden. Unless you’re in a room with a mime holding a knife. Then, it’s time to run.

Stab Double Entendres Puns: Jokes That Really Cut Deep

1. I tried to explain to my friend why throwing knives at a dartboard was dangerous, but he wouldn’t listen. I guess you could say he was stabbed in his convictions.
2. The fencing champion was feeling under the weather. I guess you could say he wasn’t feeling up to stab.
3. I saw a play about a group of assassins last night. The acting was terrible, but the stabbing was fantastic!
4. What do you call a psychic mid-knife fight? A medium-well stabber.
5. This morning, I accidentally stabbed myself with a carrot. Must have been a weaponized veggie-stabble.
6. I’m starting a new job at the cutlery factory. I heard it’s a great place to make a stab at a career.
7. My friend tried to make a salad, but he forgot the lettuce. I told him, “You missed a golden stab-ortunity!”
8. Dating a cactus can be tough. It’s the ultimate stab-ile relationship.
9. I’m writing a mystery novel where the victim is found in a pile of pillows. The police think it was death by stabbing…or maybe just a case of the downy com-furter.
10. They arrested the mime for assault with a deadly weapon. Apparently, he really knew how to stab-omime.
11. What do you call a bee that gives you the cold shoulder? A total stab-snubber.
12. I went to a restaurant that serves food on swords. I told the waiter, “I’ll take the steak, but hold the stab.”
13. The yoga instructor told me to find my center. I hope I don’t find it with this knife. That would be a stab in the gut!
14. My friend started a metal band called “Sharp Wit.” Their music is pretty intense, but they’re really just trying to make a stab at success.
15. What does a ghost say after a successful prank? “Stab ya later!”

Funny Stab Tom Swifties: Jokes That Are Sharp As a Tack

1. “I think someone just stabbed me in the back!” Tom said pointedly.
2. “That knife thrower’s aim is truly terrible!” Tom remarked miss-ingly.
3. “This historical reenactment of Caesar’s assassination is intense!” Tom said dramatically.
4. “Ow! That really hurt!” Tom said sharply.
5. “I’m starting a fencing club for beginners!” Tom announced disarmingly.
6. “This butter knife is entirely useless!” Tom said bluntly.
7. “I can’t believe you used a plastic spork for the cake!” Tom said cuttingly.
8. “I’m going to win this thumb-wrestling match!” Tom declared forcefully.
9. “These acupuncture needles are surprisingly relaxing,” Tom said penetratingly.
10. “Did you see that bee fly right by my head?” Tom said buzzingly.
11. “I’m not sure this self-defense class is working,” Tom said defensively.
12. “Can you pass me the carving knife?” Tom asked politely.
13. “I told you, I’m NEVER giving up on my dreams!” Tom said resolutely.
14. “That porcupine sure seems friendly,” Tom said prick-ishly.
15. “This cactus collection is getting out of hand!” Tom said pointedly.
16. “That was a really sharp remark!” Tom retorted, feeling pierced to the core.
17. “This conversation about knives is getting a little too edgy,” Tom said nervously.

Knock-Knock Jokes about Stab: Prepare to Groan

1. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Stab. Stab who? Stab you a merry Christmas! 🎄
2. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Stab. Stab who? Stab the drama, I’m here! 😎
3. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Stab. Stab who? Stab-ulous to see you again! 😄
4. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Stab. Stab who? Stab-solutely thrilled you could make it! 🥳
5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Stab. Stab who? Just a stab in the dark, but are you hungry? 🍕
6. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Stab. Stab who? I’m here to stab-lish a new friendship with you!🤝
7. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Stab. Stab who? This conversation is getting a little boring. Let’s stab something else to talk about! 🙄
8. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Stab. Stab who? Sorry to stab in unannounced, but is this the ‘Pun Party’? 🎉
9. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Stab. Stab who? Did you hear about the chef who stabbed someone with a leek? It was an onion-ed assault! 🧅