Sink Your Teeth into These 230+ Vampire Puns and Jokes

funny Vampire jokes with one liner clever Vampire puns at PunnyFunny.com

Welcome to our post all about vampire jokes and puns! It’s time to sink your teeth into some of the best humor out there. We promise these jokes are not just for Dracula – they’re perfect for kids and adults alike. Get ready to add some clever and positive humor to your day with our list of hilarious vampire jokes. So grab your garlic and wooden stakes, and let’s get laughing with these fang-tastic jokes. After all, a good laugh is what really keeps a vampire alive.

Sink Your Teeth Into These Hilarious Vampire Puns & Jokes – Editor’s Picks!

  1. Why did the vampire go to therapy? Because he had a stake in his self-esteem.
  2. How does a vampire stay in shape? By doing bat-ercize.
  3. What do you call a nosy vampire? A fang-spector.
  4. Why did the vampire wear a scarf? Because he had a neck-rotic obsession.
  5. What do you call a vampire who loves rainy days? A dracul-luvia.
  6. How many vampires does it take to change a light bulb? None, they prefer the dark.
  7. What’s a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor? Rocky road-kill.
  8. What do you call a vampire comedian? A punpire.
  9. Why did the vampire get fired from his job at the blood bank? He kept taking lunch breaks.
  10. How does a vampire start a letter? “Tomb- greetings!”
  11. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
  12. Why did the vampire go to the doctor? He was coffin too much.
  13. How does a vampire make coffee? He uses a fang press.
  14. What did the vampire say when he saw his reflection in the mirror? “Ah, it’s love at first bite.”
  15. What do you call a group of vampires playing music together? A blood band.
  16. How does a vampire clean his house? With a vam-pyre.
  17. What do you call a vegetarian vampire? A hummus-blood-thirsty creature.
  18. Why couldn’t the vampire find a date? Because he always got ghosted.
  19. What’s a vampire’s favorite type of music? Crypt-hop.
  20. How does one become a successful vampire? Through hard work and bat-itude.

Sink Your Teeth into These Hilarious ‘Funny Vampire’ One-Liner Jokes!

  1. Why did the vampire go to the doctor? He had a bat flu.
  2. What do you call a vampire who loves sweets? A fang-tastic.
  3. How can you tell if a vampire is sick? He coffin’!
  4. What do you call a clumsy vampire? A trip-tacular.
  5. Why did the vampire quit his job? It was a graveyard shift.
  6. What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? Neck-tarine.
  7. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
  8. How do vampires keep their breath fresh? With blood-th.
  9. Why did the vampire join the gym? He wanted to make a killing-body.
  10. What is a vampire’s favorite dance move? The bloodslide.
  11. How does a vampire like his steak cooked? Rare.
  12. Why did the vampire take up knitting? He was tired of living life as a fashion victim.
  13. What did the vampire say when he walked into a bar? “Give me a Bloody Mary, hold the vodka.”
  14. Why did the vampire watch TV at night? He was coffin up blood.
  15. What do you call a group of vampires playing music? A bat-talion.
  16. How many vampires does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they prefer the dark.
  17. Why did the vampire join Twitter? He needed a coffin-nity.
  18. What do vegetarian vampires eat? Soy-blooded humans.
  19. How does a vampire start a letter? “Dear ghoulfriend…”
  20. What do you call a vampire who is always telling jokes? A pun-pire.

Sink Your Teeth into These Fang-tastic QnA Jokes & Puns about Vampires

  1. Q: Why did the vampire go to the doctor? A: He was feeling a little bat.
  2. Q: What do you call a group of vampires on a road trip? A: A caravan-pire.
  3. Q: How did the vampire dentist fix his teeth? A: With a fang-brush and some mouthwash.
  4. Q: Why did the vampire take up knitting? A: He wanted to make some bloody good sweaters.
  5. Q: What do vampires play at recess? A: Coffin ball.
  6. Q: How does a vampire learn to read? A: From Count Draculaus.
  7. Q: Why was the vampire so popular at parties? A: He was a real neck-crowd pleaser.
  8. Q: What do you call a vegetarian vampire? A: A pacifist bat.
  9. Q: How did the vampire feel after he ate a clock? A: He was all wound up.
  10. Q: What do vampire accountants do during tax season? A: They count bats.
  11. Q: Why did the vampire start a band? A: He wanted to be a hit at every neck-ontour.
  12. Q: What’s the best way to get a vampire out of your house? A: Ask him to leave, otherwise you might just get a sucky situation.
  13. Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite online game? A: Stakebook.
  14. Q: Why did the vampire refuse to go on a blind date? A: He didn’t want to risk getting garlic breath.
  15. Q: How does a vampire shave? A: With a bat-razor.
  16. Q: What do you call a vampire that works at a bar? A: A bart-pire.
  17. Q: How does a vampire keep his room clean? A: He uses a coffin filter.
  18. Q: What do you call a vampire with glasses? A: A count-in-the-box.
  19. Q: Why did the vampire get fired from his job at the blood bank? A: He couldn’t get through the day without a sip.
  20. Q: What do vampires use to get around town? A: Blood-mobiles.

Sink Your Teeth into These Fang-tastic Dad Jokes About Vampires!

  1. Why did the vampire always wear black? Because he was always Counting Count Dracula!
  2. What did the thirsty vampire say to his victims? “I vant to suck your juice!”
  3. Why did the vampire go to art school? He wanted to learn how to draw blood!
  4. What do you call a vampire who likes to eat potato chips? A chipmunk!
  5. Why couldn’t the vampire get a date? Because he was coffin’ it!
  6. How did the vampire fix his flat tire? With a stake wrench!
  7. Why did the vampire go to the doctor? He was coffin’ a lot!
  8. What did the vampire say when he got a toothache? “I guess I should have flossed more!”
  9. Why don’t vampires like baseball? They’re afraid of the garlic balls!
  10. How does a vampire stay cool during the summer? He uses his blood-suck-it fan!
  11. Why don’t they play poker in the vampire world? Because everyone has a wooden stake!
  12. What did the vegetarian vampire say to the werewolf? “I’m not into meet-ups.”
  13. Why don’t vampires get colds? Because they have coffin’ fever!
  14. What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday song? “Fangs Roasting on an Open Fire!”
  15. What do you call a clumsy vampire? Trippy Fangs!
  16. Why did the vampire order a pizza with garlic crust? He wanted to recreate the feeling of being out in the sun!
  17. How does a vampire like his steak cooked? Bloody rare!
  18. Why did the vampire take up gardening? He heard it was a good way to get a little blood-thirsty.
  19. How do you know if a vampire has been in your house? All your garlic is gone and there’s a trail of glitter!
  20. What do vampire ballerinas dance to? “Blood-letting Swan Lake”!

Fangs for the Laughs: Funny Quotes about Vampires

  1. “Vampires have a painted-on smile, but their true self lies six feet under.”
  2. “Being a vampire must suck. All that eternal life and still can’t enjoy daylight.”
  3. “If I had to choose between being a vampire or dealing with a toddler’s temper tantrum, I’d gladly choose the latter.”
  4. “Vampires are just like humans, except they have better teeth and thirst for blood. Oh wait, that’s not like humans at all.”
  5. “Vampires always look sharp, until their fangs come out and ruin the entire aesthetic.”
  6. “I told my friend I needed a coffin for my nap. She suggested I try a bed instead.”
  7. “If vampires don’t like garlic, why do they have such killer breath?”
  8. “Vampires may brag about their immortality, but let’s see them survive a gym membership contract.”
  9. “I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in mistaking a vampire for a hot goth guy.”
  10. “Vampires never get cold, but do they ever experience brain freeze from drinking too much blood slushies?”
  11. “You know you’ve met a vampire when their favorite sport is counting stars.”
  12. “Vampires are proof that losing your humanity can give you a killer set of abs.”
  13. “I asked a vampire to take me to his leader. He showed me a mirror.”
  14. “Vampires are like hipsters, but instead of coffee, they’re addicted to blood.”
  15. “Vampires make terrible chefs. They always add too much seasoning… of blood.”
  16. “The vampire community must have trouble keeping up with fashion trends. How do they keep up with changing necklines?”
  17. “Vampires are the only creatures who can perform a dental exam on themselves.”
  18. “I’ve never seen a vampire at the beach. I guess they can’t handle SPF 1000.”
  19. “Being a vampire means never having to floss again. But good luck getting rid of that dragon breath.”
  20. “Why did the vampire quit his job? He needed a coffin break.”

Sink your teeth into these hilarious Vampire proverbs and wise sayings!

  1. “A vampire a day keeps the doctor away…but the garlic salesman in business.”
  2. “A bat in the hand is worth two in the cave…unless it’s a vampire bat, then you’re in trouble.”
  3. “Friends don’t let friends go out in the sun without sunscreen…especially if they’re vampires.”
  4. “A vampire’s road to hell is paved with shin splints.”
  5. “You can lead a vampire to holy water, but you can’t make him drink.”
  6. “Time flies when you’re having fun…unless you’re a vampire, then it crawls.”
  7. “A vampire’s best accessory is a neck-tie.”
  8. “The early bird gets the worm…but the early vampire gets the blood.”
  9. “A vampire never runs out of toothpaste.”
  10. “A vampire’s worst nightmare is a flea circus.”
  11. “Just a bat’s eye view of the world.”
  12. “There’s no such thing as too much garlic…unless you’re a vampire, then it’s a nightmare.”
  13. “A vampire’s favorite book is ‘Twilight’…because it’s fiction.”
  14. “Bite me once, shame on you. Bite me twice, shame on me…wait, never mind, I’m a vampire.”
  15. “A vampire’s dream job? Dental hygienist.”
  16. “To garlic or not to garlic, that is the eternal question.”
  17. “Vampires have an aversion to stakes…and not the monetary kind.”
  18. “You can’t have your blood and drink it too.”
  19. “A vampire’s idea of recycling is using the same victim twice.”
  20. “Bats are just misunderstood vampires-in-training.”

“Vampire Humor: Sink Your Teeth into These Double Entendre Puns!

  1. “I need to go grab some garlic, I have a hot date with a vampire tonight.”
  2. “I’m not afraid of vampires, I just prefer not to get bitten on a first date.”
  3. “Why did the vampire go to therapy? To work on his bloody issues.”
  4. “What did the vampire say after he sucked your blood? ‘Now that was a bloody good time.'”
  5. “Why did the vampire cross the road? To get to the other side of the neck.”
  6. “I’m trying out a new vegetarian diet, no more biting into necks for me.”
  7. “What’s a vampire’s favorite drink at happy hour? Bloody Mary.”
  8. “Did you hear about the vampire who became a vegan? He couldn’t handle all the garlic in his diet.”
  9. “Why couldn’t the vampire get a date? He was a bit too thirsty for blood.”
  10. “I heard Dracula is in great shape. He can do a hundred neck-ups in a row.”
  11. “I’m not afraid of vampires, but I am afraid of going broke buying garlic.”
  12. “Why did the vampire invest in a blood bank? He wanted to earn some stake in the business.”
  13. “What do you call a group of vampire musicians? A fang band.”
  14. “If a vampire bites you while you’re sleeping, does that count as a midnight snack?”
  15. “Why was the vampire’s son failing math class? He couldn’t count past two fangs.”
  16. “I tried to make a salad for my vampire friend, but he said it wasn’t his type of ‘fanging’.”
  17. “Where do vampires go on vacation? To the dead sea.”
  18. “Why did the vampire invite the werewolf to dinner? He wanted someone to ‘meat’ him.”
  19. “I think my co-worker might be a vampire, he’s always complaining about not getting enough ‘sun’ time.”
  20. “What did the vampire say when he stubbed his toe? ‘Fang’ it!”

Counting Down the Best Recursive Vampire Puns

  1. How did the vampire quit smoking? He went cold turkey…vulture.
  2. Why did the vampire switch to a plant-based diet? He wanted to be a veggie biter…vampire.
  3. When the vampire chef opened his restaurant, he called it Stake-ception…vampire.
  4. What do you call a vampire who loves to dance? A count chocula…vampire.
  5. Why did the vampire need a new mirror? His old one wasn’t very reflective…vampire.
  6. How did the vampire win the costume contest? He had a killer count-er-attack…vampire.
  7. What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving…vampire.
  8. Why couldn’t the vampire find his coffin? He kept looking in all the wrong coffins…vampire.
  9. How does a vampire like their steak cooked? Bloody rare…vampire.
  10. Why did the vampire spend all his money on storage units? He was running out of crypts…vampire.
  11. What do you call a vampire who is afraid of the dark? A fanger in denial…vampire.
  12. How does a vampire start a conversation? With a batsment…vire.
  13. What’s the vampire’s favorite genre of music? Fanged rock…vampire.
  14. Why did the vampire turn down a date with a werewolf? He didn’t want to mix his drinks…vampire.
  15. How does a vampire stay organized? With a count-down calendar…vampire.
  16. What do you call a group of vampires on a road trip? A bat-talion…vampire.
  17. Why did the vampire sign up for yoga classes? He wanted to work on his biceptuals…vampire.
  18. How does a vampire order his coffee? With a double shot of blood-presso…vampire.
  19. What’s a vampire’s favorite workout? Fang aerobics…vampire.
  20. When the vampire went to the beach, he found it draining…vampire.

Sink Your Teeth into These Fang-tastic Vampire Tom Swifties!

  1. “I can’t go to the garlic festival,” said the vampire toothlessly.
  2. “I actually love garlic,” said the vampire breathlessly.
  3. “I’m going to suck your blood,” said the vampire cap-fully.
  4. “I need a coffin to sleep in,” said the vampire restlessly.
  5. “I’m going to count sheep to fall asleep,” said the vampire baa-dly.
  6. “I only drink the finest blood,” said the vampire refinedly.
  7. “I’m going to take a bite out of crime,” said the vampire bitingly.
  8. “I’m allergic to holy water,” said the vampire sacrilegiously.
  9. “I can’t join you outside during the day,” said the vampire sunnily.
  10. “I’m putting you under my spell,” said the vampire charmingly.
  11. “I need a good book to sink my teeth into,” said the vampire literately.
  12. “I’m in serious need of a neck massage,” said the vampire tensely.
  13. “I just need a quick bite,” said the vampire hungrily.
  14. “I’m allergic to silver,” said the vampire ironically.
  15. “I can’t stand the taste of artificial blood,” said the vampire artificial-inteliigently.
  16. “I don’t need a reflection when I have a selfie stick,” said the vampire narcissistically.
  17. “I always get my victims’ blood type right,” said the vampire A-positive-ly.
  18. “I always ask permission before I bite,” said the vampire politely.
  19. “I only wear designer capes,” said the vampire fashionably.
  20. “I’ll never get old with my youthful fangs,” said the vampire toothfully.

Blood-Curdling Laughter: Knock, Knock Jokes about Vampire

  1. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Vlad. Vlad who? Vlad the Impaler, but you can call me Count Dracula.
  2. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bela. Bela who? Bela Lugosi, the original on-screen vampire.
  3. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bat. Bat who? Bat-moth, I mean…that’s definitely not a vampire bat.
  4. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Fang. Fang who? Fang-tastic vampire puns are my specialty.
  5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Blood. Blood who? Blood-thirsty vampire coming to suck your…blood.
  6. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Goth. Goth who? Goth to love me, I’m a vampire after all.
  7. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mina. Mina who? Mina the vampire slayer, watch out!
  8. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Coffin. Coffin who? Coffin up some blood for a thirsty vampire?
  9. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bram. Bram who? Bram Stoker, author of the original Dracula.
  10. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Vamp. Vamp who? Vamp-ires don’t knock, we just fly in through the window.
  11. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nosferatu. Nosferatu who? Nosfera-TWO moths since I last had a drink.
  12. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Edward. Edward who? Edward Cullen from Twilight…just kidding, I’m a real vampire.
  13. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bite. Bite who? Bite me and become a vampire too.
  14. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Garlic. Garlic who? Garlic won’t save you from me, I’m a vampire not a vampire hunter.
  15. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Transylvania. Transylvania who? Transylvania me to a blood bank, I’m getting hungry.
  16. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Bela Goose. Bela Goose who? Bela Goose, I vant to suck your blood.
  17. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Immortal. Immortal who? Immortal-combat, vampire style.
  18. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Crucifix. Crucifix who? Crucifix on the window and keep the vampires out.
  19. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cemetery. Cemetery who? Cemetery you next Halloween when I come back to haunt you.
  20. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Countess. Countess who? Countess on me to make you laugh with more vampire puns.

Sink Your Teeth into Some Hilarious Vampire Malapropisms!

  1. “I think I have a bad case of garlic toast” (instead of “garlic breath”)
  2. “Sorry, I can’t come out tonight, I’m dealing with some grave robbin'” (instead of “grave robbing”)
  3. “I’m trying to cut back on my bloodsucker intake” (instead of “sugar intake”)
  4. “I have a coffin-to-go for my lunch” (instead of “cooler-to-go”)
  5. “I’m feeling quite stake-ed out today” (instead of “stressed out”)
  6. “Oops, I’ve got a fangover” (instead of “hangover”)
  7. “I’m just gonna go run some errands at the crypt” (instead of “store”)
  8. “I can’t believe they put that movie on the death screen” (instead of “big screen”)
  9. “I’m gonna need a transfusion after that workout” (instead of “a nap”)
  10. “I can’t control my howling sugar levels” (instead of “blood sugar”)
  11. “I saw the most bat-tastic sunrise this morning” (instead of “fantastic”)
  12. “I brought vampiric acid for the potluck” (instead of “vinegar”)
  13. “Oh no, I forgot to turn off the microwave coffin-dinner” (instead of “TV dinner”)
  14. “I’m just gonna grab my cape and be on my way” (instead of “coat”)
  15. “I really need to get my casket in order” (instead of “house”)
  16. “I’m feeling a bit hot-blooded today” (instead of “hot-headed”)
  17. “My vampire-lobe is really itching today” (instead of “sixth sense”)
  18. “I got a new coffin-catcher for my birthday” (instead of “wallet”)
  19. “I can’t come in, I’m garlic-allergic” (instead of “allergic to garlic”)
  20. “I’m a sucker for a good love story” (instead of “sucker for love”)

Vampireious Spoonerisms: Fangtastic Word Play!

  1. “Vampy Blaze” instead of “Campy Blaze”
  2. “Fangpire Bite” instead of “Vampire Fight”
  3. “Blooden Tikes” instead of “Tudden Blines”
  4. “Crimson Cats” instead of “Cats of the Crim”
  5. “Soul Dracula” instead of “Droll Sacula”
  6. “Bat Toast” instead of “Tat Boast”
  7. “Gloomy Stake” instead of “Stoomy Glake”
  8. “Undead Noise” instead of “Nunhead Oise”
  9. “Vixen Bite” instead of “Mixen Vite”
  10. “Nosferatu Floss” instead of “Fosferatu Nlass”
  11. “Bite Knight” instead of “Night Bite”
  12. “Pire Vampire” instead of “Vamp Pire”
  13. “Soul Sucker” instead of “Sloul Soccer”
  14. “Fang Frenzy” instead of “Fren Fangzy”
  15. “Bloodless Neck” instead of “Nodless Bleck”
  16. “Coffin Dance” instead of “Doffin Cance”
  17. “Vampchair Lair” instead of “Champvair Lair”
  18. “Bat Spray” instead of “Sat Bray”
  19. “Eternity Veil” instead of “Vernity Eil”
  20. “Dracula’s Bite” instead of “Bacula’s Dite”

Blood-sucking good puns to sink your teeth into!

Well folks, that wraps up our blood-sucking journey through over 230 puns about vampires. From fang-tastic wordplay to coffin-worthy jokes, I hope these puns have made you howl with laughter. And if you’re still thirsty for more, be sure to sink your teeth into our other pun and joke posts. Now go forth and spread some vampiric pun-itude!

Jami Ch., the enthusiastic owner and operator of PunnyFunny.com

PunnyFunny Team

I'm Jami Ch., the enthusiastic owner and operator of PunnyFunny.com, where I and my team share the best puns and jokes with the world. My passion for original humor drives me to create content that keeps everyone smiling. As a dedicated humorist, I've made PunnyFunny.com a haven for those who love a good laugh, just like me. Explore my Best Puns & Jokes collection.

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