Laugh out loud with 200+ English Jokes & Puns: Are you ready for a pun-tastic time?

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Welcome to the best collection of English jokes and puns ever! If you’re in need of some humor to brighten up your day, you’ve come to the right place. Whether you’re a kid or just a kid at heart, these jokes and puns about the English language will have you rolling with laughter. Because let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a clever play on words or a good bit of humor? So get ready for a list of witty and positive jokes that will make you fall in love with the English language all over again. Let’s dive into this hilarious world of English jokes and puns!

Tickle Your Funny Bone with These Top English Puns & Jokes – Editor’s Picks

  1. Why did the linguist break up with his girlfriend? Because she kept correcting his grammar and punctuation – he couldn’t take the clauses anymore.
  2. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
  3. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  4. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the grammar school? They woke up and there were apostrophe’s everywhere.
  5. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
  6. I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s thesaurus for weeks. I just can’t find the words to describe how much I miss it.
  7. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  8. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
  9. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense.
  10. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two-tired.
  11. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
  12. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
  13. Why couldn’t the bicycle roll down the hill? Because it was two-tired.
  14. I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
  15. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
  16. My boss told me to have a good day..So I went home.
  17. What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I’ll go on a head.
  18. Wizardry is the quickest path to wealth, but the paths of witchcraft are far more fulfilling.
  19. A guy goes on a vacation to the Bahamas. In the evening, he goes to a pub on the beach. He orders a beer and hears a lovely female voice say, “Hi”. He looks around, but nobody is there. When he asks the bartender he says, “It’s the beer. The second one is on the house.” After he finishes his beer, he again hears the female voice saying, “You’re handsome”. The man is a little surprised, but he decides to ignore it. He orders another beer and again hears the female voice saying, “You’re charming”. He decides not to ignore it anymore, so he asks the bartender, “I must be hearing things. Or there’s somebody playing a trick on me. Where is she?” The bartender answers: “On the house”. So the man goes over to thank her. He asks, “Who are you? Are you behind that mirror?”. She shakes her head a little confused and answers: “I don’t see any mirror.” The man is now bartending. And from that day on, he goes to the beach in the evening to talk to her. He learns that she is a spirit on the island. She isn’t a prisoner on the island, but was born on that very beach. She explains every night; she is allowed to grant three wishes. Under the condition, that the person asking is able to convince her of giving away her magic, their wishes will become true. The man is intrigued and asks her for a pouch of one million dollars. But she wants to only give him this money if he chooses to stop bartending and to leave for Great Britain, never to return. However, this man loves his job so much and therefore can’t take this chance. So that night, the spirit leaves unsatisfied. The next day the man wakes up in his house in Great Britain, disorientated but maybe a little bit happier. He realizes there’s more to life than travelling.
  20. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

Laugh Out Loud with These Funny English One-Liner Jokes!

  1. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
  2. “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”
  3. “I used to play piano by ear, but then I found out you supposed to use your fingers.”
  4. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too low. She looked surprised.”
  5. “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.”
  6. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too far apart. She looked surprised.”
  7. “Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.”
  8. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too close together. She looked surprised.”
  9. “Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.”
  10. “I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.”
  11. “Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks? In case he got a hole in one.”
  12. “I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.”
  13. “Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.”
  14. “I used to be afraid of hurdles, but then I got over it.”
  15. “Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.”
  16. “I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.”
  17. “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? They make up everything.”
  18. “I used to be addicted to soap operas, but I’ve been clean for years.”
  19. “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the heart for it.”
  20. “I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.”

Brush up on your ‘English’ wit with these QnA Jokes & Puns!

  1. Why did the English teacher bring a ladder to school? Because she heard the class was going to be discussing high-literature.
  2. What do you call an English teacher who always wears a cape? The grammarian!
  3. How many English professors does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but they’ll spend the whole class debating the symbolism of light and darkness.
  4. Why couldn’t the bicycle learn to speak English? Because it was two-tired.
  5. What’s the difference between a novel and a short story? About 200 pages.
  6. Why was the English teacher always at the bank? She was a paragraph teller.
  7. How do you know a word is cool? When it becomes a synonym for “cool.”
  8. Why did the dictionary go to rehab? Because it was addicted to exaggeration.
  9. How do you make an English teacher crazy? Misplace the Oxford comma.
  10. What do you call an English teacher who can’t stop talking about grammar? A verb-o-saurus.
  11. Why did the poet do so well on his test? He always had haikus up his sleeve!
  12. How do you know an English teacher is secretly a magician? They’re masters of compo-sition.
  13. What do you call a grammar enthusiast with perfect penmanship? A writing wiz.
  14. Why was the playgroup constantly out of paper? Because all the children were play-write.
  15. What do you get when you mix Shakespeare and algebra? Much ado about math.
  16. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  17. Why did the grammarian only eat 8 pieces of sushi? Because she heard 10 pieces would be too much for one sentence.
  18. How do you know an English class is in session? The students are silent, but the pencils are doing all the talking.
  19. Why couldn’t the novelist write with her hands? They were too busy turning pages.
  20. What do you call an English teacher’s favorite puzzle? A crossword-clue!

Quirky Language Lessons: Funny Proverbs & Wise Sayings about English

  1. “I before E, except after C? Such a weird rule, know what I mean?”
  2. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the English countryside.”
  3. “Those who live in glass houses should probably speak English.”
  4. “An Englishman’s home is his castle, but an American’s is a much bigger castle.”
  5. “Don’t judge a book by its cover, unless it’s a bad English translation.”
  6. “A penny saved is a pound wasted when you’re buying British souvenirs.”
  7. “If at first you don’t succeed, try saying it in a British accent.”
  8. “You can lead a horse to water, but you’ll have to explain the English idiom ‘drink like a fish.'”
  9. “Home is where the heart is, but the English Channel is where the rain is.”
  10. “A watched pot never boils, but an English tea kettle sure does.”
  11. “It takes two to tango, but it only takes one to make a proper cup of tea.”
  12. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, but my English essay sure was.”
  13. “Where there’s smoke, there’s probably a Brit trying to barbecue in the rain.”
  14. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but don’t tell that to the British tabloids.”
  15. “When in doubt, just nod and say ‘jolly good’ like a true Englishman.”
  16. “Happy wife, happy life, but an English wife still won’t cook a decent meal.”
  17. “Actions speak louder than words, but an Englishman’s silence speaks volumes.”
  18. “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, but do count your English tea biscuits before they disappear.”
  19. “A picture is worth a thousand words, unless it’s a British weather forecast.”
  20. “Better to be safe than sorry, unless you’re speaking of English cuisine.”

Get Your Laugh on with These Hilarious Dad Jokes About English!

  1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  2. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense!
  3. Why can’t you trust atoms? They make up everything!
  4. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!
  5. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too low. She looked angry!
  6. What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time!
  7. How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together!
  8. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
  9. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too far apart. She didn’t see the point.
  10. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
  11. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!
  12. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!
  13. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles!
  14. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
  15. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  16. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
  17. Why do chickens always sit on their eggs? Because they don’t have any chairs!
  18. I asked my dad if he knew how to use a shovel. He said, “I have no idea, but I sure dig it!”
  19. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumbly.
  20. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.

Tickle Your Funny Bone with These ‘English’ Double Entendres Puns

  1. “I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I just can’t seem to put it down.”
  2. “Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll just let it go.”
  3. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
  4. “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.”
  5. “Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense.”
  6. “I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my opinion.”
  7. “Why did the chicken go to the seance? To get to the other side.”
  8. “I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.”
  9. “My friend lost his job at the helium factory. He refused to be spoken to in that tone.”
  10. “I’m reading a book on the benefits of procrastination. I’ll let you know when I get around to finishing it.”
  11. “I’ve never gone to a chiropractor, I prefer to crack jokes on my own.”
  12. “I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.”
  13. “I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.”
  14. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
  15. “I used to be a banker but I lost interest.”
  16. “I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it.”
  17. “How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together!”
  18. “I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor said I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.”
  19. “How do you organize a space party? You planet.”
  20. “I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time.”

Parlez-vous Recursive Puns about English? Oui-lingual Humor at its Finest!

  1. Why did the comma break up with the period? Because they were in a run-on relationship.
  2. I accidentally swallowed some English grammar rules… now I’m feeling tense.
  3. Why couldn’t the English teacher control his class? Because he didn’t have a clause.
  4. Why did the dictionary go on a diet? Because it had too many syllables.
  5. I’m writing a novel about time travel, but it’s not quite finished yet. It’s still a work in progress.
  6. I tried to write a haiku about English grammar, but it didn’t quite follow the syllable rule.
  7. What did the sentence say when it was nervous? I don’t know, I’m too tense to think of anything.
  8. Why did the English teacher have a hard time accepting criticism? Because he was too possessive about his subject.
  9. I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a joke about grammar, but they shrugged and said “eh, it’s all relative.”
  10. Did you hear about the grammarian who fell in love with a vowel? They ended up eloping.
  11. I tried to write a list of puns about English, but my ideas were all conjugated.
  12. Why did the past tense and present tense have an awkward conversation? Because they just didn’t agree on anything.
  13. My English teacher told me to stop starting all my sentences with “but.” But I just can’t help it!
  14. What did the verb say to the noun who was always lying? You’re so irregular!
  15. Why did the sentence have to go to therapy? Because it had too many unresolved issues.
  16. I told my friend I was learning all about palindromes, and they asked “what’s that spelled backwards?”
  17. What did the adjective say to the pronoun who was always copying him? Quit trying to be like me, you’re so derivative.
  18. My linguistics professor told me that acronyms are like the short cuts of language. I guess you could say they’re really handy.
  19. Why did the preposition break up with the article? Because they just couldn’t agree on a proper location.
  20. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Mixing Up Words: Hilarious English Malapropisms

  1. Instead of saying “I’m on a roll,” someone might say “I’m on a bread product.”
  2. Instead of saying “mind your own business,” someone might say “mind your own biscuits.”
  3. Instead of saying “blood is thicker than water,” someone might say “blood is stickier than water.”
  4. Instead of saying “it’s all Greek to me,” someone might say “it’s all Geek to me.”
  5. Instead of saying “a picture is worth a thousand words,” someone might say “a picture is worth a thousand dollars.”
  6. Instead of saying “bite the bullet,” someone might say “bite the ballet.”
  7. Instead of saying “caught red-handed,” someone might say “caught red-faced.”
  8. Instead of saying “all’s well that ends well,” someone might say “all’s well that ends swell.”
  9. Instead of saying “break a leg,” someone might say “break an egg.”
  10. Instead of saying “caught in the act,” someone might say “caught in the axe.”
  11. Instead of saying “let bygones be bygones,” someone might say “let pajamas be pajamas.”
  12. Instead of saying “strike while the iron is hot,” someone might say “strike while the ironing is hot.”
  13. Instead of saying “caught between a rock and a hard place,” someone might say “caught between a rock and a hard face.”
  14. Instead of saying “a rolling stone gathers no moss,” someone might say “a rolling stone gathers no mosquitos.”
  15. Instead of saying “the early bird catches the worm,” someone might say “the early bird gets the wormhole.”
  16. Instead of saying “hit the nail on the head,” someone might say “hit the hammer on the nail.”
  17. Instead of saying “put all your eggs in one basket,” someone might say “put all your eggs in one omelette.”
  18. Instead of saying “kill two birds with one stone,” someone might say “kill two birds with one muffin.”
  19. Instead of saying “don’t judge a book by its cover,” someone might say “don’t judge a cook by its oven.”
  20. Instead of saying “barking up the wrong tree,” someone might say “barking at the wrong tree.”

Mixing Up Language: Funny Spoonerisms about English

  1. “Dritish Bialect” instead of “British Dialect”
  2. “Pinglish Dongue” instead of “English Tongue”
  3. “Chairy Bimney” instead of “Bloody Chimney”
  4. “Fat Thingers” instead of “That Finger”
  5. “Horn Bag” instead of “Born Hag”
  6. “Fickled Buck” instead of “Bickled Fuck”
  7. “Wack Snedding” instead of “Snack Wedding”
  8. “Week Pink” instead

A Rollicking Collection of English Tom Swifties to Tickle Your Funny Bone!

  1. “I just broke my arm,” Tom said brokenly.
  2. “I can’t find my keys,” Tom said keyless-ly.
  3. “I love working with animals,” Tom said fondly.
  4. “I forgot to put on sunscreen,” Tom said rashly.
  5. “I accidentally ate the whole cake,” Tom said guiltily.
  6. “My shoes are too tight,” Tom said constrict-edly.
  7. “This joke is hilarious,” Tom said laughingly.
  8. “I hate math homework,” Tom said subtractedly.
  9. “I dropped my phone in the toilet,” Tom said flushed.
  10. “I’m late for my dentist appointment,” Tom said cavity-ously.
  11. “I spilled coffee on my shirt,” Tom said stain-edly.
  12. “I can’t stop sneezing,” Tom said allergy-ically.
  13. “I can’t reach the top shelf,” Tom said height-lessly.
  14. “I lost my passport,” Tom said abroad.
  15. “I accidentally shaved off my eyebrow,” Tom said shock-edly.
  16. “This pizza is really hot,” Tom said burning up.
  17. “I hate public speaking,” Tom said speakingly.
  18. “I ran out of gas on the highway,” Tom said exhaust-edly.
  19. “I need a bigger suitcase,” Tom said packed.
  20. “I got sprayed by a skunk,” Tom said stink-ingly.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? English puns that’ll have you cracking up!

  1. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hue. Hue who? Hue-got any English books I can borrow?
  2. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Annie. Annie who? Annie-thing you can say in English, I can understand.
  3. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time to learn some English phrases!
  4. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Violet. Violet who? Violet-ly don’t understand English grammar.
  5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Sam. Sam who? Sameway you use words in English!
  6. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and learn some English!
  7. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive the English language, it’s so beautiful.
  8. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lucy. Lucy who? Lucy-ing at me like I don’t speak English?
  9. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nate. Nate who? Nate-yet learned proper grammar?
  10. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Eric. Eric who? Eric-tainly you’re not still struggling with English!
  11. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Sara. Sara who? Sara-word, would you help me practice my English?
  12. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Don. Don who? Don’t let me in until I can say this in English.
  13. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Max. Max who? Maximum effort to learn English, that’s what I’m giving.
  14. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Chloe. Chloe who? Chloe-dly use more English puns, they’re great!
  15. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ben. Ben who? I’ve Ben practicing my English, can you tell?
  16. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Georgia. Georgia who? Georgia-re-at at English, so don’t even try.
  17. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wyatt. Wyatt who? Wyatt do I always forget English vocabulary?
  18. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Kelly. Kelly who? Kelly you think of any more English jokes?
  19. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iris. Iris who? Iris-pect you’re a fluent English speaker by now.
  20. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dan. Dan who? Dan-g it, still making mistakes in English!

Farewell, punsters! This language has us in stitches.

So there you have it, over 200 puns and jokes sure to make you chuckle or groan (or maybe both at the same time). But don’t stop there, dear reader! Keep the laughter going by checking out our other pun-tastic and joke-filled posts about English. Trust me, they’re worth the read. And always remember, when life gives you lemons, make lemon puns!

Jami Ch., the enthusiastic owner and operator of PunnyFunny.com

PunnyFunny Team

I'm Jami Ch., the enthusiastic owner and operator of PunnyFunny.com, where I and my team share the best puns and jokes with the world. My passion for original humor drives me to create content that keeps everyone smiling. As a dedicated humorist, I've made PunnyFunny.com a haven for those who love a good laugh, just like me. Explore my Best Puns & Jokes collection.

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